The Eternal Return
by IHaveIt
Summary: Their timing was always off. Throughout the years, Rory and Jess have never been in the right place at the right time. But they have been recurrently in each other's lives, and their brief meetings will change their mutual history – forever. Follows the events of AYITL.
1. Snow Storm

_A/N: I had some ideas for one-shots based on my previous story, but somehow I needed to get out of my chest first what I think would be another probable outcome for AYITL. I'm delighted to be back in the Lit universe, hope you enjoy it!  
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 _ **11/23/2022, Chicago**_

 **1\. Snow Storm**

Rory was crying at the American Airlines customer service desk at O'Hare. Hundreds of flights across the country were being cancelled due to the mother of all snow storms, and she couldn't believe that there was no alternative for getting out of Chicago. There was a big chance that she wouldn't reach Stars Hollow the next day. Rory felt like the worst mother ever – her daughter would be eating Thanksgiving dinner _without her._ Granted, Lorelai and Luke would take great care of her, but she was already feeling guilty about having spent the last six months traveling constantly between Los Angeles and Stars Hollow. Nearly two years ago Doyle had pitched her book to several networks, and CW had bought the rights – _Gilmore Girls_ was going to become a TV series. Rory had accepted to consult with the scriptwriting team (although her novel was no _Harry Potter_ , which meant that she had absolutely no control about the final outcome), but never could have she imagined the hectic industry's production times – it had been years since she had been swamped by crazy deadlines. The scripts for the first season were already late, and she had spent the best part of the last two months away from home. Her daughter had behaved amazingly throughout the whole process, and as Lorelai had put it, _the latest 5 year-old who had been as cool had been Rory herself._ But she couldn't help but feel like she was missing out too much of Anna's life lately, and the blizzard didn't help.

"Miss, you'll need to make room for the next customer, everyone here is in the same situation as you are, and there's nothing we can do."

Rory left the desk teary-eyed and defeated. She was stuck in Chicago for who knew how long. Damn connection flight. She took a deep breath, grabbed her phone and, after a quick call home to confirm that she was definitely stuck, she started ringing the closest hotels in search of a room to spend the night – to no avail. She really shouldn't have spent that much time moping around customer service desks and car rental companies.

"Stuck in Chicago?"

Rory's heart stopped. Even before turning and seeing him her stomach was already doing somersaults. Her face was probably swollen, and she wasn't wearing waterproof mascara – funny how, of all the things she could think about, of all the passion and the heartbreak and the chances lost for them, the first thing that came to her mind when she heard Jess' voice was the cheap non-waterproof mascara she carried in her travel bag and how dreadful she must be looking. Why should she care, anyway? It was long over. Hanging on to that thought with all her might, Rory turned.

"Well, aren't we all?"

Jess' smile was dashing. The years had done him good. He hugged her naturally and kissed her cheek. She hated how relaxed Jess seemed around her since he had married – Rory had never stopped feeling anxious whenever his lips where in the vicinity, so the brief contact had her getting warm in a way she knew she shouldn't.

"It's great to see you, Ror. It's been too long."

Too long, indeed. Their paths had drifted away after Jess' marriage 4 years ago. Their timing had never been right.

"Yes, I've missed my fairy god-editor."

Jess laughed. "I just gave you advice you never really needed. I knew you were going to make it big time."

Rory knew she was blushing. "I truly couldn't have done it without you."

Jess shook his head, and all Rory could notice was his wild, beautiful mane. She repressed a sudden urge to caress it.

"Nonsense. You did it yourself. You should know you're my heroine, so don't sell yourself short."

"Well… right back at you." Rory thought about that punk kid who had endured every punch life threw him and managed to become one of the best people she had known. She reminisced about the two of them sharing their passion for literature over twenty years ago, in what was their brief meeting of the souls. "Who would have thought, right?"

Jess seemed puzzled. "Thought what?"

"Nothing, really."

Jess bumped against her arm. "C'mon."

Rory hesitated while chanting in her mind _he's married_ like a mantra. She didn't want the conversation to reach Rory-Jess levels of intensity. "I was just thinking that it's funny how everything turned out. I've known you for a while, after all."

Jess laughed wholeheartedly. "I see where you're going – you're remembering my teenage hoodlum days, aren't you?"

"I never saw you that way, and you know it."

"No offense taken, Ror, so don't worry about it."

"That's not it – I was just thinking how funny it is that the two of us, who loved books so much, have become writers."

Jess looked at her intently, and Rory's breath caught in her throat. "Yeah, it's funny. Well, not really – it's beautiful."

Melancholy hit Rory in the pit of the stomach like a sea wave. So that was what getting old felt like – like yearning for a future that was once promised, but that would never happen. Jess' stare wasn't faltering, and Rory was hypnotized by it. "And to think that we never talked about it. Wait – did you ever consider becoming an author back then?" _Back then_ – that was Rory's blanket term for _when we loved each other._

Jess smiled. "Honestly?"

Rory realized that there were few things that had thrilled her more in her life than Jess' honesty. "Please."

"I did think about it. I thought about it a lot."

"Wow… I'm shocked. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't I think of asking?"

"I guess… I didn't want to jinx it. What if I said I wanted to become a writer and then never become one? It would have killed me. I was not really hopeful of my possibilities at that stage."

"You know what? I've never said this out loud, but… I did the same, subconsciously. But it was such a deep, ingrained fantasy that I couldn't voice it – not until you encouraged me to write. I still wish you had told me, though."

Jess' face turned serious. "Maybe it was for the best – some things I did say out loud back then were forever jinxed."

So it seemed that _back then_ was a blanket term for _painful times_ to Jess. Rory was taken aback. Somehow, a brief encounter with each other had painfully revealed their deep, convoluted connection – as usual. Rory regretted having been so completely overtaken by Jess' presence as to let the conversation go that way. But she didn't have time to dwell on it – Jess was grabbing her bag and putting it on a trolley nearby, along with his suitcase.

"Are you stealing my bag?"

"Are you sleeping in the airport?"

"It seems that I am, everything's full."

"I know, I heard you over the phone trying to book a room. You're staying with me."

Rory's heart started racing. "Do you live in Chicago now?"

"No, I just gave a conference. My rep managed to book me a room at the Hilton here."

There was no way Rory could be in a room with Jess and not spontaneously self-combust. "I… really appreciate it, but… I don't think it's such a good idea."

Jess shrugged his shoulders and started pushing his trolley. "I got your bag, Gilmore. Seems like you're stuck with me."

She shouldn't, she really shouldn't – but, oh, how she had missed his company. Rory started following Jess, who was walking away at a considerable pace. "OK, but I'll take the couch or the floor, whatever's available."

Jess spoke without turning, still pushing his trolley. "Fine by me."

"And I'll ransack your minibar."

Jess stopped dead on his tracks and looked at her, smiling. "Now we're talking – that's exactly how you ride a snow storm."


	2. Is This Wrong?

**2\. Is this wrong?**

"It's easy: you score if you manage to put the paper ball in the ice bucket."

There had been no uneasiness since they got in the room. Jess was chattier and more relaxed than Rory had ever seen him, and so they had simply enjoyed each other's conversation and jokes, like any two old friends. Rory attributed Jess coolness to the fact that there was no longer the looming shadow of _them_ for him, and so she had gone with the flow and simply appreciated his company, even if feeling deeply sad. They had quickly ruled out eating dinner at the lobby restaurant (Jess must have felt, like her, that making an uncomfortable second entrance to a hotel room with someone other than a partner was unnecessary). They had ordered some room service burgers and watched the latest Spider Man reboot, the most pointless revision of the many the 21st century had seen in its short life. Rory had then told Jess everything about the _Gilmore Girls_ series – _Gilmour Girls_ , really: her grandmother had requested that the name was changed to preserve whatever was left of the family's intimacy shortly before passing away –and that had led to a small Rory meltdown about not spending Thanksgiving with her daughter and mom, especially with her grandma's death being so recent. Jess had tried to cheer her up by grabbing a handful of miniature bottles from the minibar and by quickly making up the lamest game in the history of entertainment.

"The last time I threw a ball was in 2001, Jess, and it was so pathetic that the American League called the school and asked that I was relieved of PE, in case I would forever ruin the image of sports."

Jess crumpled a paper towel and threw it, missing the ice bucket by a good two feet. "I never had the ball sense either, so we're even."

"I fail to see the fun in this."

"It's called competition, Rory. Come on, Ivy League kid: I know ambition runs rampant through your veins."

Rory frowned, scrunched another paper towel and threw it while sticking her tongue out sideways. It went in. "I scored! I fucking scored! Eat that!"

Jess laughed wholeheartedly. "I think this is the first time I've heard you swearing."

Rory blushed. "I'll have you know that I can be as foul-mouthed as a sailor, if I put my mind to it."

"You just sounded like a Victorian governess. Admit it: you don't have it in you."

Rory gulped a whisky miniature. "Dickhead."

"Wow! Not bad for a prissy governess."

"Hey, you… douchecanoe!"

Jess snorted and threw another paper ball, failing even more miserably than before. "Fuck!"

Rory took her turn, scoring again. "I'm actually great at this!"

"Yeah, and I'm rubbish. You were right, it's no fun."

"Hey, you can't change the game now that I'm winning."

"There's just no incentive for me."

"I'll tell you what… if you score, I'll answer any question."

Jess smirked. "Really?"

"Yes, but if I do, you'll answer any of mine."

"Deal."

Jess threw the ball straight into the ice bucket.

"You… prick! You've played me like Paul Newman in _The Hustler_!"

Jess shrugged his shoulders with an evil grin on his face. "I guess the incentive gave me focus."

"OK, well… shoot."

Jess rubbed his chin, and his face lit up suddenly. "You need to be true, or else the game won't be fun."

"I promise."

"Are you sure?"

"I swear on my honor."

"Name one literary guilty pleasure."

"No way!"

"You swore!"

"You could ruin my literary reputation if this information comes out, Mariano!"

"Still waiting."

"OK… _Hunger Games_."

Jess pfff'ed. "That's a bullshit answer and you know it, it doesn't qualify."

"Why?"

"It's old, and decent. I want to know what's in your private window search right now."

"Wait… you read the _Hunger Games_?"

"Of course, I'm an editor, I've read everything that has been popular. Still, it doesn't qualify."

"I read them in my Kindle because I was embarrassed, it sure qualifies."

"If you don't give me something that makes you truly guilty I won't play – think about it, you were having a winning streak."

Rory hesitated. She wanted a chance at asking back. "Fine… fan fiction."

Jess laughed, visibly pleased with himself. "Aha! I knew it. On what?"

Rory finished the whisky miniature to hide her embarrassment. "That's another question."

Jess smirked while throwing a ball. He didn't even look at the ice bucket as the paper ball went smoothly. "Which fandom?"

"No!"

Jess put on a mock stern face. "Rory."

Rory felt her cheeks burn. "Fine… _Buffy_."

Jess roared. "Please tell me it's smut."

"Fuck off."

"What's your ship?"

"No way in hell."

"Is it Spike? Or are you a star-crossed lovers Angel shipper? Man, this is the best game ever. And to think I had you for a _Pride and Prejudice_ sort of girl!" Rory's sudden flush must have been a dead giveaway. "That, too? I knew it! Oh, you're really bad at this game."

"Hey, don't judge me: shit is real, Jess – romance is dead for me! I need to fantasize about things that are as far away as possible from constantly picking up toys from the floor. Both the 19th century and human-vampire intercourse seem far enough."

Jess took a sip from a miniature vodka. "It's really hard, isn't it?"

Rory's face softened. "It's a handful. But worth it."

"I'm so glad you feel that way."

"What do you mean?"

Jess avoided her stare and opened another miniature. "I'm just proud of you. For being a great mom. Not that I ever doubted it, but I'm still proud. I can see you're in a great place… now."

"Well… yeah, I am. You know it was tough when I found out, I mean – we were more… in contact then. But I figured everything out eventually." Rory remembered with a pang of pain how she had indeed, and how she had come to terms with the fact that she loved Jess when it was already too late. She put those thoughts aside. "Perhaps there's something in parenthood, like a sense that kicks in and gives you tunnel vision, and then there's no room for bullshit anymore."

"Well, it doesn't kick in for some people." There was a bitterness in Jess' voice that worried Rory. "But you're your mom's daughter, after all, so it makes sense that you have the supermom gene."

"Well… thanks." Rory felt really self-conscious, so she tried to shift the focus. "Have you and Angela considered it?"

Jess' face grew somber. He finished the miniature in one gulp. "Yes."

"So?"

"It's hard for me."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude."

"We're playing _score and ask,_ I thought that was the point."

"I didn't score."

Jess stood silent for a while. "I don't mind you asking me anything, score or not."

Rory's heart broke at that. "Yeah... me neither."

Jess looked at Rory seriously, and she suddenly didn't feel like riding the snow storm with Jess was such a good idea. "I'm fucking scared, Rory."

"It's a huge thing."

"What if I don't have the superfather gene? I mean… I clearly don't, judging by my predecessors. If I think about my childhood, about the pain and the insecurity and the drama, and then I think I could be the cause of _that,_ responsible for it, I freeze. I couldn't, Ror. I couldn't stand it."

Rory placed her hand on Jess' shoulder. "I know you'd be the best dad. So if that's all you worry about, you shouldn't. You're not your parents. You wouldn't be that person."

"Ror…" Jess looked at Rory and placed his hand on top of hers. "But I have been. I hurt you so much. I don't think I've ever really forgiven myself for it – and I couldn't hurt someone else again."

Rory froze. There it was – history. There was no escaping it. "I… I hurt you too. There's no need to dwell on it."

"I deserved it for being an asshole first, so it doesn't count."

"It does, to me. I've… never really forgiven myself either. Whenever I think about… stuff I've done wrong, hurting you comes a close second to hurting myself."

Jess hand slowly moved from the top of Rory's to caress her cheek. "Good girl –as long as you don't hurt yourself, nobody else will be able to. It makes me really happy to know that you take well care of yourself now."

A single tear fell from Rory's face. "I don't want to feel guilty about this. Is this wrong?"

Jess winced. "It's not going to be, so don't worry."

"I'd hate to be that person with you. When I had Anna, I swore that I would never disappoint myself again, and I haven't."

"And you won't, I won't let it happen. Come here." Jess pulled Rory to her shoulder and hugged her. "It was just nice to think that we could talk the night through, but I guess we won't."

Rory buried her face in Jess' neck and breathed deeply, taking all of the comforting Jess' smell in she could for the last time, and then broke the hug. "It is what it is, right?"

Jess caressed Rory's hair. "Sleep, Rory. I'll be gone before you wake up."

Rory thought about declining, about leaving right there and then and sleeping in the lobby, but she didn't. She knew Jess would stay true to his word and go back to Angela as a faithful husband, and probably start a family. She settled on sleeping beside the man she had lost five years ago. She was, as always in the ebb and flow of their relationship, so close to the love of her life, and yet so far.


	3. Life's funny

_**Fall, 2016**_

 **3\. Life's funny**

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm pregnant." Lorelai didn't even blink for what seemed like an eternity, astonished. Rory grew apprehensive. "Please, mom, say something. Anything. Shout, if you feel like it."

"Is the world still turning? I feel like the poles must have inverted – Lorelai Gilmore, speechless. Kudos to you, kid, you managed what Luke has been trying for years: to shut me up."

"It doesn't feel like an accomplishment, believe me."

"I need to process for a few more minutes."

"OK."

Lorelai's gaze lost connection with Rory's. A few more minutes passed, in which Rory contemplated her life's mistakes. Rory dreaded that her mom was planning a lecture, she was feeling bad enough just contemplating her existence on her own. A sudden intake of air distracted Rory from her gloomy thoughts. Lorelai attempted to start talking but then stopped, and after a second, and even a third try, she unleashed the verbal gun machine.

"How far along are you? Whose is it? I mean besides you – such weird phrasing, I know, seems like I was trying to sort out a lost scarf after a dinner with friends… Do you even know? Are you keeping it? Does the father know? Have you been to the doctor? _What_ _are you going to do_ , _Rory_?"

The last sentence had a reprimanding whiff about it that broke Rory. She started sobbing and pouring out. "I don't know! What to do, I mean, I do know the father, although does one ever know completely? Do you remember that 90s TV film in which the girl becomes pregnant by just sitting on a public toilet? Or thinks she has become pregnant, I can't remember really, but that damn thing haunted me throughout my teenage years and I never sat on a toilet seat anymore unless it was home… Jennifer Jason Leigh was definitely in it – gosh, I feel I should have googled that out, I could be carrying some random guy's child and never know it, he could have similar features to mine and then we would always say _oh, the kid looks totally like Rory_ , never knowing the truth! And who does _that_ in a public toilet? Life's… shit!"

Rory cried helplessly and didn't even notice when her mom hugged her.

"Shush, it's normal to feel like that… I know a thing or two about it."

"I'm such a disaster."

"Hey, don't say that about my kid. You're not – you're just facing the biggest, scariest thing one can go through. So definitely normal. Breath out."

Rory looked at her mom and nodded, trying to even out her breathing. "I think that trying to control my breathing just makes me paranoid about it."

"Then keep talking."

"OK."

"OK."

"I don't want to say it out loud, mom."

"Why?"

"Because then it will be real and you'll be disappointed and it will add up to my failure."

"Just say it – I actually think you will feel better."

"It's Logan's, if we rule out the toilet seat. I'm 6 weeks in"

Lorelai definitely grimaced, but Rory ignored it. "Does he know?"

"No."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"Last 8-ball shake told me that it wasn't likely."

"Rory… are you keeping it?"

"I'm… not positive yet. Well, I am. I mean the stick was. 20 sticks, really. I spent a fortune – I started with the expensive ones, but by stick 10 I settled for those cheap Accu-Clear ones."

Lorelai caressed her back. "Do you want to go through it? Together?"

"Yes, please. But… not now. Sorry I ruined your wedding, I swear I was going to wait… I don't know what got into me. Selfishness, for sure."

"Never mind, I'm glad you told me. Let's go home and get at least an hour sleep before getting ready for round 2."

A sound across the square startled them before getting up. Jess was running towards them.

"Shit, I missed it, didn't I?"

Lorelai was quicker to gather herself and stood up, covering Rory. "Don't worry, kid. We're sorry it was so rushed, we imagined you had your phone in sleep mode or something."

"No need for it, I used to put myself to sleep while listening to punk, so nothing can't cut through my REM stage." Jess kissed Lorelai on the cheek. "Congratulations, Lorelai. I couldn't be happier for you both."

Lorelai hugged Jess and used the position to peep at Rory, who had finished rubbing off her imaginary mascara stains. "Life's funny, huh? I'm your step-auntie!"

Jess broke the hug and nodded, and then looked at Rory. "Yes, it's funny how everything turned out."

The longing look in Jess' eyes was a punch in Rory's stomach. No, it was definitely not funny. "We should head back for some beauty sleep."

"Not that you Gilmore girls need it." Jess kissed Lorelai again and then Rory, and that kiss was the only thing that brought Rory back to reality, away from her anxious thoughts. She was surprised – she had felt something. In her stomach. What was it? Was it the baby? She suddenly noticed that Jess was still looking at her, and as she did he smirked. "I'll see you girls for the second round."

He turned and left, leaving Rory very confused. Lorelai distracted her from her musings. "Life's indeed really funny."


	4. Memories

_A/N: Apologies for the very slow update. I had some chapters ahead of the story that were written first, and it's been hard to put the pieces backwards. Good news is that there are now many almost finished chapters, so more updates will be coming soon! As always, thanks for reading._

 **4\. Memories**

"Everyone was looking at us when we were dancing, weren't they?"

Jess looked around at the wedding party. "We're really not that interesting to them, everyone seems to be focused in the happy couple."

Rory knew Jess hadn't intended it, but the last bit hurt her. They were, after all, the remains of a broken couple. "Jess?"

"Rory?"

"I'm glad we're still in each other's life."

Jess seemed surprised. "But of course, why would we not be?"

"Seriously?"

Jess laughed. "You're right, I guess this is not so common for former teenage sets. I'm happy that we are, too, Rory."

Rory exhaled, looking at the town people and reminiscing about their shared history. "I think it's because we were friends first that we can still enjoy each other's company."

"Me being friends with you was not entirely unselfish, to be honest."

Rory laughed. "Me neither, but still. I think we appreciated each other's company nonetheless, and I'm glad we can still do that today."

Jess seemed disturbed. "Wait, are you getting melancholic? Because if that's all there is to it, let me tell you – that's not the reason why I'm here talking to you. I want to know you are good. I want to know about the book. It's not the old days' blues."

Rory shook her head. "That's not it for me either, at all. We're family now. We have been for a long time, in everything but title, even if we haven't been much in touch. We are going to be in each other's lives forever, and I wanted to share with you that I'm happy about it."

Jess smiled softly. "Thanks for sharing. I'm happy about it too."

They stood awkwardly looking at each other, and suddenly Rory considered telling Jess about the pregnancy. But then Jess lifted his arm, as if inviting her to hold it, and she forgot about the pregnancy. It was too soon, anyway. She didn't even know what she wanted to do about it. Jess started walking, and she looked at him with a soft smile. "Where are we going? Are we dancing again?"

Jess shook his head. "No, miss Gilmore. You and I are going to walk around this reception, and are going to look at everything, and remember everything, so, one day, we will be able to fill in the details for the lovely couple, to tell them about all the beautiful moments their guests shared and that they missed because they are oblivious to the world – as they should be."

Rory was taken aback. "That is… yeah, let's do that."

"Look at Babette and Morey, teasing Kirk to death without really knowing that they are. I always secretly envied them."

"Really?"

Jess smiled and nodded, acknowledging her surprise. "They're… really themselves, separately, but also really themselves as a couple. They're cool. Garden gnomes and all."

Rory felt suddenly tipsy, even though she had avoided champagne all evening. "Yeah… I've always envied them, too."

"What about Luke and your mom? Do you envy them?"

Rory stopped and looked at the wedded couple, swaying in the middle of the dance floor, looking at each other as if there was nothing else in the world. "Yes."

Jess put his hand on top of Rory's, resuming their walk. "I've never been happier for anyone."

"That's…"

Rory wiped a tear that escaped her against her will, and Jess laughed. "What? I have feelings too, you know?"

"Jess… I never meant…"

"Shush, it's alright. I guess I'm just a little drunk, but I fucking love that man. I look up to him, and… I knew he loved Lorelai. Back in the day, when I lived here. I knew it, and would sometimes tease him about it, tease him to say something, to _do_ something, because I wanted him to be happy – and uncomfortable, that too. But I always knew they were meant for each other, so it's a very happy day for me, too, because life has finally proved me right. But don't tell anyone."

Rory stopped again and started sobbing. Jess took a handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to her, while at the same time positioning himself between the party crowd and Rory, so no one would see her crying. Rory eventually calmed down, and looked at Jess. "One day, many years from now, while we are talking about this day with my mom, who will for sure repeat the same stories once and again, I will secretly remember this. My mom will be able to remind us all of Taylor's hideous bow tie, of the fact that Luke didn't wear a cap for once, or of how she had the most beautiful birthday cake. But this… this I'll cherish."

Jess smiled and rubbed the corner of Rory's eye. "There you go. There was just a tiny bit of smudged mascara."

Rory smiled. "I'm equal parts embarrassed and thankful."

"Best emotions come in pairs, or so I tell myself while writing."

Rory laughed, and held Jess' arm again. "So, I never knew you had a fortune teller streak in you. Any other unshakeable beliefs I should be aware of?"

Jess smirked. "Nah, this was the one that was more clear to me. Although…"

"Please tell me it's a lottery number, I'm a bit broke at the moment."

"My offer to lend you money still stands."

"No way, I'd rather have the prediction and bet my meagre income to whatever it is you're foretelling."

"You know? I think that could work, actually."

"It could? What is it?"

"Well, if there's something I've always known, as clearly as I knew that Luke and Lorelai were made to each other, was that you would end up doing great things in your life. And I think you're in the path. So… no need to bet any money. Just do you, Rory. The true you. Because you're unstoppable."

Rory looked at Jess, and what she saw in his eyes startled her. There was respect, and not a hint of disappointment. She suddenly felt warm. "OK. I promise."

"No need to promise, as I know you will. So let's have a little more of that beautiful cake while we laugh at Taylor's bow-tie."

Rory smiled and they both walked towards the party crowd, and for a little while, everything seemed good in the world.


	5. It's Over

**5\. It's over**

"When will I be able to read the first six chapters?"

"I'm supposed to be the one doing the questions here, mister."

Ester and Charlie had left the Gazette nearly two hours ago, and it was already dark outside. Rory had asked Jess to come in for an interview – she was planning on doing a piece on former Stars Hollow inhabitant and published author Jess Mariano, but in the three hours they had been sitting at Rory's desk, they hadn't even tackled 4 out of the 42 questions Rory had prepared for him, and neither seemed to care. In the month after Lorelai and Luke's wedding, Jess had been spending a lot of time in Stars Hollow, in what he said was an attempt to be more present in her sister's life, and to monitor Liz and TJ, who he feared were likely to fall for any other stupid cult or fad without his constant watch. But the truth was that Jess had spent almost as much time with Rory as he had done with Doula, and Rory had started to daydream about Jess' real motives for his comeback. She was making an effort to stop wishing for the reason to be her – she was pregnant with Logan's baby, after all. Still, she was finding it increasingly hard to be away from him, and awaited his visits eagerly.

"You have all the facts, Gilmore. Besides, I'm not really sure I would be of any interest to your town mates."

"You definitely would – Andrew recommends your books constantly, and the public library owns copies of the three of them."

"You put them there."

"Maybe I did, maybe I did not. But a quick inspection of the library cards would show you they've been lent many, many times."

Jess smiled. "And how would you know?"

Rory blushed. "I like to keep track of your success."

Jess shook his head, apparently embarrassed. It was very endearing to Rory that he would still be shy about his achievements. They stared at each other, smiling, for a little longer than usual, until Jess broke the silence. "So, the interview."

Rory fidgeted, and produced a paper with all her questions written down and a vintage tape recorder, although she doubted she could forget anything of what Jess would say. "Yes, so, let's move on – I need to ask this, or my readers would hate me: do you feel Stars Hollow has influenced your writing in any way?"

Jess laughed openly, and Rory's heart warmed at the sound. "Geez, that's really hard to answer."

"Hey, don't worry – I know the answer and won't publish it, so don't feel bad about saying _no_ and breaking the heart of your Stars Hollow readers. It was my duty to ask."

Jess looked nervous. "But it has influenced me. A lot."

Rory seemed surprised. "Really? As in, when you describe Los Angeles, Philadelphia or New York, you think about how different they are to Stars Hollow?"

Jess laughed again, more nervously this time. "No, it's not that. It was here where I found someone who liked books as much as me, and who even _liked_ me for it, so it was here that I started thinking that, if someone else could actually appreciate my only redeeming trait, perhaps if I stuck to my passion, all would be well in the end. So, if you think about it, I wouldn't be where I am without… Stars Hollow."

Rory cleared her throat, unsure of how to proceed. "Right, wow, well… As the only town representative present… thanks."

Jess smiled, his gaze soft. "But then there's Kirk, of course."

Rory cackled, glad the tension had been dissipated. "I always thought there was a bit of Kirk in Noodles!"

"This is totally off the record, but yes, he was the inspiration for my small town cooky entrepreneur."

"Anyone else?"

Rory regretted it the second the words left her mouth. Jess must have thought that she was fishing for a connection to her, when she truly had had Miss Patty, Babette and the lot in mind. But she didn't have time to explain herself before Jess started answering. "Sure, I think, subconsciously, you pick up details from everyone you've ever met, and they're likely to come up in your writing, even if unintended."

"Of course."

"And well, I guess sometimes I get attached to characters that might resemble more closely people I've met in real life, perhaps reimagining a different story for them… but I wouldn't say which. There are many layers to a writer's work, and if one of them is shaped, even if minimally, after biographic aspects of his or her life, I believe it's up to the people who might be involved to pick up the cues. They might or might not be there, but the meaning of a book is created again by the reader, and if that reader is someone who knows me, and picks up things, I couldn't really control it. Nor would I want to. It's all fantasy, in the end." Rory lowered her head thinking about Stella, the main character in _The Subsect_ , which she had always felt connected to, even if there was nothing about her characterization that was clearly Rory. Jess distracted her from her thoughts. "So, when do I get to read the first chapters?"

"Well… I think I need to advance a bit more before feeling confident enough to share them."

Jess dropped his head to one side, examining Rory. "Don't feel pressed, I'm sorry I've been pushing. You don't really need my margin notes."

"No, I'd love your help, and for you to read it, it's just… I feel like, in a way, I'm writing at the same time that I'm trying to get back in track with my life, and it all feels too tangled at the moment for me to be even able to start judging if it makes sense, so… I want to be in the right place before sharing. Do you understand?"

"Of course. It happens to me, too."

"Does it?"

"For sure. Perhaps we need to wait until you're in the editing stage, and then we will talk."

Rory smiled. "Sounds like a plan."

"Just do what works for you. The creative process… still holds all the mysteries to me. Sometimes I seem to get better at riding my inspiration, and sometimes I drown in procrastination and self-doubt. So it really is a tough ride you're in for."

"Worth it?"

"You'll tell me when you get there. It is for me."

Rory nodded, feeling really comfortable talking about it with Jess. She had been missing such a deep connection with anyone, for longer than it was comfortable to accept – she hadn't even felt like that with Logan during the last years. "You know? It's funny how writing the book has become so central in my life now. I need to figure out so many things about my past life, because it's in the book, that it's really helping me out healing some stuff. I didn't expect this."

"Like what?"

Rory hesitated, but then put her doubts aside. Jess was definitely going to read the book once it was out, so some of it would reach him anyway. She might as well give him the benefit of deciding how much he wanted to know in advance. "Are you sure? Won't I spoil the book?"

"I don't know, should I be worried?"

"I don't think so, but I wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable by being too… open. I just felt self-conscious and need to check if it's just insecurity talking or if I shouldn't be oversharing."

"Share away, if you feel like it. I'm always happy to hear you out."

"OK, well… Stop me if at any time this feels uncomfortable." Rory breathed deeply and after considering it for one last time, she dived in. "I'm a shittier person than I seem."

Jess frowned and then started laughing. "What? You seem alright to me. Wait, have you killed somebody?"

"Ha ha, not funny."

"It could have been unintentionally, with your deathly stare, for example."

Rory shook her head and Jess smiled. "I'm opening my rotten heart to you and this is what I get?"

"Is your heart really rotten?"

"Why am I doing this?"

"Beats me! But c'mon, don't stop now. It's clearly bugging you, and in my experience, once you say these kind of things out loud they don't seem so bad anymore."

"Paul."

"Wait, you haven't broken up with him yet?"

"Yes! It's not that. It's why we dated. And… the fact that I cheated on him." Jess winced. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you this."

"I want to hear it."

"Why?"

Jess rubbed his forehead. "I don't know, Rory. But you want to tell me, and I like that we can tell each other stuff. Not listening to you? It wouldn't feel right. So… pour away."

Rory inhaled deeply. "OK. So I met Paul a really long time ago, back when I was following the Obama campaign. He was this really nice and shy guy who would sit beside me in the bus from time to time and make small talk. From some of the things he said, he reminded me of myself… a lot. He had grown up in a quirky town with his parents, who came from a really wealthy family, and had attended a posh prep school, and eventually Harvard. It always seemed to me that there must have been something wrong with his family, in a sort of Lorelai way, so I connected with him somehow. But then I was let out of the online magazine, and we lost connection." Rory gathered her thoughts. Jess was looking at her intently. "Right, so fast forward a few years, and there is Paul, working at an online paper I would sometimes do freelance gigs for. We went for coffee a couple times after submitting my pieces, and one day he asked me out. It was really shocking, you know? I had never thought he was interested, but he seemed so sure of himself then, so… driven. I didn't really fancy him, but I could tell he was a good guy, someone you could have intelligent conversations with, and so I told myself _why not?_ The thing is, I once overlooked _the good guy_ , Marty, a guy I met in college. Not that I regret it, as he turned out to be a bit of an ass in the end, but I would sometimes wonder if I should pick differently who I date, and so I dated Paul. I have to confess that I hadn't been with anyone in like… more than a year, so I was really lonely."

"Why?"

Rory regretted mentioning it. That was a subject she purposely wanted to avoid. "Bad run, I guess."

"Yeah, that happens. So, go on – you started dating half-heartedly. That doesn't make you a bad person. I've done that."

"OK, so I'll spare you the gory details, but Paul was _really_ focused on us happening. He kissed me, as seemed mandatory, on date #3. We had pretty unexciting sex a while after that, and started doing so regularly, and before I noticed, we were formally dating. It was not the most exciting for me, but believe me, I knew deep down that it wasn't _for him_ either. I could tell. Everything was nice, though – the company, the loving care… I guess we were a bit like good friends who sporadically fuck. Because it didn't happen very often after the first couple months. So, I don't know how it happened, but then comes Christmas time and I'm meeting his family, and as I always thought, they looked like the West coast Gilmores. They were so happy to meet me though, and so thoroughly nice, and the next thing I know I'm in a relationship that's not really making my heart sing, but that's not half bad. Great, I guess, for a lot of people's standards. And then…" Jess nodded while Rory took a deep breath. "Logan calls me and tells me that there's this freelance job for a US based journalist in one of his father's newspapers in England, and I go to London, get the job, and end up sleeping with him." The disgust in Jess' face was undeniable. "I know. I know. Believe me, I'm… purging myself of that mistake at the moment, but back then… Never mind. It doesn't matter why."

"Well, it kinda does now."

Rory hesitated. "Why?"

"You can't tell half the story. You won't be able to do that in the book, either, unless you don't want it to ring true, to reach people. So… tell me." Jess stopped to ponder for a second. "Why? Was it… love?"

"Love? No. Perhaps I thought so at some stage. But no, it was something else… Familiarity. An easy rush. Old patterns, an escape maybe. The dream of a make-believe romance. Fear… Yeah, it wasn't love. Love is the opposite of fear, while that was… quite similar."

"Well… that rings true."

Rory looked at Jess, who was piercing her with his stare. She suddenly dreaded him. She feared herself, what she was feeling, what she had once felt for Jess. "I… thanks."

"So why did you stay with Paul?"

That was it, the old question – _why does Rory always cheat?_ "I didn't intend to. As soon as I went back, I made my mind to break up with him. I… started telling him what had happened in London. But he didn't want to hear it. He knew what I was telling him, but he didn't want to know. He said that, whatever had happened, he didn't need to know, that he just liked having me in his life, and that we could find a way to still be with each other. He seemed a little bit desperate, and honestly, so was I. I had a number of shitty jobs. I was unmotivated with my life, although I couldn't even begin to accept it. Having Paul in my life... it made me feel like there was something stable. So I got carried away, and kept seeing Logan… while still dating Paul."

Jess frowned, and Rory pondered what on earth had possessed her to tell him that. In a way, she believed, she was looking for absolution – but why from Jess? "OK, you were lonely and lost, it's not so uncommon to be in a loveless long relationship. Seriously, I've been there myself. Hey, and no harm done: the guy was gay anyway and didn't want to come out to his wealthy family, so it must have worked out for him too."

"What? How do you know? I only found out when I broke up with him!"

"Seriously, Rory?"

Rory felt like an idiot. "Well… yes!"

"I hate to sound crude, but if I was dating you, I would never want to leave your bed." Rory's felt a pang in her heart at the same time her blood started rushing. She tried to say something, but couldn't think of anything that wouldn't either lead to her confessing that she was pregnant with Logan's baby or to jump over the table to kiss Jess. Luckily, Jess spoke up. "So, how did he tell you?"

"Oh… he was… ashamed. But thankful, maybe? For having been a good companion. We were good friends, all in all. I hope… I was going to say that I wish that he comes out some day, but perhaps he doesn't want to. He was, after all, so driven… Maybe he doesn't have a problem with his family not knowing. Perhaps I bought him a few more years of his family's ignorance. Perhaps he's OK with that – perhaps he knew since the beginning that I would be a good candidate for his ruse. And I can't judge him – how could I? I cheated, after all. I know he did as well, but that doesn't justify me."

Jess cleared his throat. "What about Logan?"

Rory looked at Jess, and of all the things she wanted to tell him – of how she felt about him, of how she had fucked up, of how she dreaded that they would never get a chance again – she settled for the only thing she felt certain. "It's over. Forever."


	6. Serious

_**12/23/2016**_

 **6\. Serious**

"Did you know that there is actually yet another Spiderman film coming out?"

Rory was trying to distract Lorelai with anything she could come up with. Her mom was frantic re-checking that table decorations were perfectly centered. It was the first time that her new inn would be greeting guests – the whole family and a handful of friends as a test run – so Lorelai wanted everything to be in the best shape. Rory doubted that the Winter fantasy her mom had created could be improved – hundreds of fairy lights clung to spidery dry branches that were placed along the walls and in the corners of the main hall, creating small bubbles of cosiness. The centerpieces were adorned with cinnamon sticks, vanilla pods and wild berries and their scent, mixed with that of Luke's famous roast, was an ode to Christmas.

"Mom, stop it."

"Alright, alright. I heard you, OK? Spiderman, yes: talk about milking comic rights. Studios did officially run out of ideas after _Sharknado_."

Rory gazed out the window, and suddenly lost her train of thought. She half-heartedly tried to regain focus. "You know… Zendaya is in it."

"Oh, so you mean you want us to go watch it."

"Yeah… she's so stylish…"

"That's a girl crush if I ever saw one."

"Yeah…"

Lorelai, sensing Rory's heart had not been in the conversation for a while, followed her daughter's gaze only to find Jess at the end of it, standing at the front door and waving at Liz, TJ and Doula, who were walking towards him. "Come, now." Lorelai grabbed Rory's arm and motioned her through the kitchen and out the back door, away from Luke's earshot. "What's going on?"

Rory was confused. "Can a girl not admire another girl who has great taste in clothes? I thought that was the whole point of red carpets."

"Good try, but you know what I'm talking about."

"No, I don't."

Lorelai exhaled while rubbing her forehead and shifting her weight from leg to leg. "Is this thing never ending? I mean, is it that you've never had sex, and there's unfinished business, and you can't let it go?"

Rory was shocked that her mom had noticed, but pretended to be at a loss. Perhaps she could win time until the guests came in and avoid that particular conversation entirely. "I honestly don't have a clue what you're going on about. And I've had sex: that's what got the bun in the oven."

Lorelai was reaching dangerous levels of exhaustion, Rory could tell by the way she stopped abruptly her nervous pacing. "Fine, don't tell me. You clearly don't want my opinion, so I'll spare you."

Her mom made a turn to leave, but just as she was at the door, Rory stopped her. "It's not that, I swear. It's just… complicated."

Lorelai stayed facing the door. Her shoulders dropped. "Why now, Rory? Or is it not now? Has it always been there?"

Rory appreciated that her mom wasn't looking at her face, and started fidgeting. "Maybe."

Lorelai finally turned, and Rory dropped her gaze. She felt like a 16 year-old again. Or maybe she had been feeling like that ever since she broke the news of the pregnancy to her mom. "I get it, OK? He's… he's become more like his uncle than I'd like to give him credit for, and I love his uncle, so I can see the appeal. I know he's helping you with the novel. I know he looks like he could pulverize a tree trunk with his fist, and I'm glad he finally swapped the hair gel for conditioner. But… what does this all mean to you?"

"I… I…" Rory shook her head and started crying. Her mom grabbed her by the arm again and got them both in the storage room that was in the backyard, hoping that Luke wouldn't look for them there to go greet the guests.

"Rory, calm down. I'm sorry I pushed, I thought we would have a playful reflection on Jess' protein diet and that would be all. But I can see this is… serious."

Rory breathed deeply, and looked at her mom straight in the eye. "Serious? Yeah, life's fucking serious. I'm pregnant. With Logan's baby. With Logan who just married Odette and doesn't know about baby Gilmore-Huntzberger. In the meantime, Jess comes back to my life and… he's as amazing as ever… well, ever since he stopped acting like a rebel without a cause. And I wonder about everything. And we talk about books and eat ice-cream on cones and the times we spend together are the highlights of this sentimental purgatory. We talk about writer's block. We discuss about love, life and our dreams. Sometimes… sometimes he looks at my lips and I think he wants to kiss me, and I want to kiss him back, but I can't, because I'm pregnant with _blond dick at Yale_ as he used to call Logan, and I haven't told him, and I feel like shit. And I don't want to tell him because I know that, the minute I tell him, this thing between us that is so unresolved is going to stay unresolved forever, and my soul dies a little. In a way, I always thought that there still was time. That we were a possibility, and that our paths perhaps would meet again one day. But that doesn't seem to be an option anymore, so I don't tell him, or kiss him. I'm hiding from everything."

Lorelai seemed confused. "Wait… _blond dick_?"

Rory hesitated. She had never told her mom about what had happened when she dropped Yale. "Well, yes."

"Wow. I always thought I had all the background, but I clearly don't. Jess and Logan know each other?"

"It's complicated."

"Explain to me like I'm 5, then. How?"

Rory sighed. "It was back when I… dropped Yale." Lorelai grimaced, but Rory pressed on. "Jess showed up one evening at Hartford. He wanted to give me his first book, and to tell me that he couldn't have done it without me. I felt so self-conscious. I knew that everything was wrong with my situation – the DAR, quitting school, not talking to you… I knew it, I was fed up, and on my way to mending things. And then he showed up, and it stirred something. I was embarrassed. And Jess… I pitied him. I know it sounds like a terrible thing to feel, but until that point, I had mostly been very angry at him. I pitied that he once tried to escape from everything to shut down his problems, and yes, hurt everyone that loved him in the process, but I suddenly realized how sad and lonely he must have felt, without a family to help him out, without a fancy swimming pool pad to crash, without money, without at least a comfortable position in the DAR. And he wasn't so different from me anymore, you know? I had done exactly the same, and as much as he hurt me once, I noticed, I was hurting you. And so I pitied him. We met the next day and suddenly Logan appeared. The three of us went for food and it ended terribly – Logan was an asshole and Jess left the bar scolding me for having dropped Yale, for not talking to you. And then he left for good, and I resented that, after all those years, we hadn't even tackled what had happened between us. And then, when Logan cheated…"

"I'm glad you've finally accepted that."

Rory frowned, but went on. "…When he _cheated_ I went to see Jess at Philadelphia and kissed him. I was trying to get even at Logan, and Jess… I knew he still had feelings for me, and I used him. I've regretted it for so long. More than he'll never know."

"So Jess spurred you to go back to Yale? Away from the DAR? Back to… me?"

"Kinda."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You know… it's Jess."

Lorelai frowned. "I still hate what he did to you when you dated, but I'm really confused now. I need to recalibrate."

Rory was annoyed that, with everything she had confessed, her mom would still focus on her preconceived ideas about Jess. "We should go back."

"I know." Rory wiped the tears off her face and then resolutely nodded before heading towards the door, but her mom stopped her. "Rory, wait."

Rory turned. "What?"

"Is this… really serious? Like… beyond unresolved business?"

"I… think so. But I won't know for sure until it's resolved, and until then, it just keeps gnawing me. It has, in several degrees of strength, for a long time."

Lorelai's face was stern. "OK. Don't do or say anything yet. Not until we've had a chance to talk this through. Deal?"

Rory nodded. "Deal."


	7. Kiss and Tell

**7\. Kiss and tell**

"I like your dress' color, it suits your eyes."

Rory blushed. "I like your shirt."

"I feel like I sold my soul to capitalism since my shirts don't have punk prints anymore, so I'm not particularly proud about you liking my shirt."

Rory laughed while peeping at the dinner guests, but they all seemed unaware of the escalating tension between her and Jess, who were sipping a coffee dangerously close behind one of Lorelai's fairy light corners. "I don't feel particularly proud about you complimenting me for something I had no part in creating."

Jess' voice lowered. "I didn't really compliment your eyes, just your color matching skills, so I think you shouldn't feel bad about it."

Rory knew she was blushing hard and lowered her head coyly, acutely aware of a growing pulse at her center. "Well, perhaps I was just complimenting _your_ good taste in clothes."

Rory ventured a look up, and almost turned her head when she saw Jess' dark stare. "Let's get out."

"What about everyone? Won't they miss us?"

Jess looked around, and Rory couldn't help checking the shape of Jess' mouth while his attention was otherwise engaged. "Everyone seems to have picked their after dinner table talk companions, so I'd say if we venture out now, I might avoid Patty's advances for good."

Rory's stomach did a somersault, and she nodded. "OK. Meet me by Gipsy's".

And with that, Rory left the inn while holding her phone as if pretending to talk. She then walked quickly towards the gas station, her heart beating hard against her rib cage, completely intoxicated with the thought of being alone with Jess. And it was silly, as they had been alone many times over the last weeks – late at night in the Gazette, upstairs in Luke's apartment with a constant clink and clatter of customers as a backdrop, and even two days before in the old Gilmore house, where Rory had said goodbye to her literary haven before the new owners arrived, accompanied by who was, she knew, much more than a literary mentor.

Rory was still reminiscing about the connotations of that last visit to her grandparents house when she felt Jess' hand around her waist. She inhaled sharply, surprised by that sudden closeness, and turned shaking. Jess removed his hand, visibly torn.

"I'm sorry I startled you, I… don't know what got into me."

It was there, it had been there for a moment but the door was closing again – Rory knew that she was not alone in feeling that life-altering attraction, and dreaded that Jess would soon build a wall again to conceal it, a wall like the one she put up after he left for California, and like the one Jess put up after the Philadelphia incident. Rory panicked – she couldn't stand those walls anymore, she dreaded never knowing what was behind them. She stepped towards Jess and grabbed his arm. Jess momentarily receded, probably as shocked as Rory was when she felt his hand around his waist, but then stopped, his face serious. Rory spoke softly. "Don't be sorry."

Jess nodded and stood as still as a statue while Rory slowly approached her face to his, and as their mouths brushed, his arm tensed under her hand and he gasped. She caressed his upper lip with her bottom one. She was thirsty for him and instinctively licked her lip, and the slightest touch of her warm tongue against his must have acted like a spark, because she felt his muscles stretch beneath her, and suddenly he was grabbing her face with his hands harshly, pushing his tongue inside her mouth and grunting as if he was enduring a great pain. Rory understood all too well, it was so painful for her too – her skin was burning for him to grab her everywhere with the same strength, and she moaned, and he groaned in response, and it suddenly dawned on her that they were kissing in the same spot they had so many years ago, when they started going out together. But this time there was a hunger that would have been unknown to two teenagers who knew nothing of a life-long regret. Somehow that sudden flash of a memory went back from the past like a boomerang, and despite her, Rory remembered Yale, and Logan, and Philadelphia – and then Paul, and Logan again, and finally the baby. Rory pushed Jess away and started crying.

"I can't… I'm so sorry."

Jess repressed approaching her with a visible effort. "What… what is it?"

Rory couldn't breath between sobs. "I… can't. I fucked up."

Jess seemed torn between comforting her and screaming. "It's… alright. You can tell me."

Rory brought her face down. "I'm pregnant."

It was probably for the best that Rory didn't see Jess' reaction, because it would have made her feel even more guilty. But still, for many years, when remembering that moment, the thing she would remember the most would be her idea of Jess' face at that exact moment. "Why?"

Rory stood up straight, surprised by the weird question. " _Why_?"

Jess rubbed his face. "Yeah, _why_? Why now? Why in the exact moment I get to kiss you again? Why is everything so fucking complicated? I just want to kiss you, that's all I want. It's not millions I'm asking for, it's not superpowers. Just a kiss, and if I'm adventurous, to be naked beside you, and inside you. To talk to you like we do. To laugh like we laugh. To caress you. To feel your soft body beneath mine. To kiss my oldest friend. That's all."

Rory sobbed harder. "I want that to, I want it so bad. We could… we just need to figure this out."

Jess stepped backwards with a pained expression. "It's his, isn't it? Why didn't you tell me? Why, if I thought we were finally talking to each other soul to soul?"

"Because… I feared it didn't matter _when_ I told you. Because I feared you would step backwards as you're doing now."

"You will agree with me that your timing was a bit off in telling me."

"Maybe! But… it would still be his, no matter when I told you. Can't you see that?"

"That's not the question, Ror. The question is: will you ever break the Logan connection? Because it seems to me that it is harder to break now than it ever was."

"I don't want him, I swear. This…" Rory's hands grabbed her belly. "This does not contradict what I'm telling you."

"Rory, you're lost… I knew you weren't in the best place these last months, but this… This is huge. And I'm not judging you, it's just… it's very easy to recognize that you're lost, and that's coming from someone who has been as well. You need to figure this out, on your own, and I don't want to be a crutch – you don't really need me. I trust that you will raise above all this. But I can't do this under his long looming shadow. And, hey, perhaps you are right. Perhaps whatever you had with him is over – forever. But so much has happened between us three… that I don't trust it. And without trust, without knowing you are in the right place, and 100% ready for us, I couldn't do it. It would be wrong. It's been so long… it cannot be wrong between us. It will be right, or it won't be – _at all_." Rory turned her face, taking everything in. Jess was right. Painfully so. "Rory, please, tell me you understand. This doesn't change how I feel about us… it's just the way it is."

Rory looked at Jess straight in the eye and nodded. "I know. I don't know anything else at the moment, but that I know. Perhaps that's why I didn't tell you. Perhaps I didn't want to face the fact that the timing is, again, way off."

Jess attempted a smile and, after failing, he settled for a hug. "I've loved having you back in my life, even if for a little while. But… I can't live waiting for it to happen again. Do you understand?"

Rory broke the hug and looked at Jess. His face was torn. She could tell that he had endured too much heartbreak between them, and she didn't blame him. "I do. Figuring everything out… it's probably going to take me a while. And then a bigger responsibility will be born. So… don't wait for it."

Jess seemed disappointed, and Rory wondered if she should have asked him to wait for her. But she also knew that it would have been terribly unfair, and she couldn't do that to him, so she kissed him on the cheek, slowly, longing for the moment to last forever. But the moment was suddenly gone, and she was walking towards her mom's and Luke's house, and away from Jess, once again.


	8. What Not to Expect

_A/N: There's no apology in the world that can make up for such a slow update, only more chapters. I hope I can make it up to you soon. Thank you for reading._

* * *

 _ **Summer, 2017**_

 **8\. What not to expect when you are expecting**

"Are you sure you don't need anything else, Rory?"

Lorelai huffed. "Could you bring the temperature of the Earth down at least 20 degrees?"

Luke frowned. "I'm sorry, but I was asking Rory. I've built you girls a swimming pool. I've filled it with ice cubes. I've put an awning on top of it. There's enough Cherry Garcia on the freezer to feed Connecticut for one year. Are you telling me you're still hot? Because I get that Rory complains about temperature in her state, but you, Lorelai? What prevents _you_ from going inside and turning the A/C on?"

"It smells like cabbage in there."

"That's for your 9-month pregnant daughter and her miraculous new acquired taste for vegetables. You sure wouldn't want me to stop feeding her properly, would you?"

"Of course not! That's why we need you to bring the temperature down _here_ , so she can still have her awful, awful green concoctions but I don't die in there." Luke grumbled as he turned and left for his truck, while Lorelai looked at Rory mischievously. "Bye, dear husband! Bring popsicles when you come back!"

Luke shouted before turning the engine on. "Make sure to call me if it starts, Rory. I wouldn't trust that crazy mother of yours to get you to the hospital in time, she'd probably stop ten times to get ice coffee and who knows what."

Luke drove away, and Lorelai smiled while resting her head against the inflatable pool. "I wouldn't do that. Everybody knows ice coffee is not real coffee."

Rory rubbed her belly. "I'd actually kill for one right now."

Lorelai stood up. "I'll make you one. A decaf."

"Oh, don't worry, mom! I'm fine!"

But there was no stopping Lorelai, who was already on her way to the kitchen. Rory gazed at the sunlight behind the tree leaves while leisurely moving the water with her hand. It could start any moment. She was surprisingly calm – she had been for over a month. At some stage she had stopped worrying about her future and had just been _present._ Right there and then, her love life was of no importance. She was about to be a mother. Everything else paled in comparison. Her phone, placed on a plastic table beside the inflatable pool, buzzed. Rory struggled to get up, she felt bigger than a mountain. With great difficulty she made it out the pool and dried her hands with a towel before grabbing her phone, that suddenly ended rumbling. It had been Logan calling. Rory panicked. Whatever peace of mind she had entertained the previous days had suddenly vanished, and she started worrying. Why was he calling her? They hadn't been in touch since she got pregnant, and Logan had got married since then. A cloud crossed the sun and Rory felt a chill. Could he know? Her phone started buzzing again and, startled by the vibration, Rory dropped it. Her mother went out of the house at that moment.

"Why did you get out of the pool, square loinfruit? Are you OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for the coffee."

Rory knew her mom could sense that something was amiss. "Who was calling?"

Rory hesitated. "Oh, it was Lane. I'll get dressed and perhaps go see her."

Lorelai frowned. "Are you sure you are OK? Do you think it's a good idea to go?"

Rory gulped half of the coffee. "Yeah. I'm tired of waiting. I think a walk will do me good."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"Nah, I'm fine. I got a little antsy, that's all."

Lorelai conceded. "OK, then. Do you have a full battery? I want you to be able to call me at any time."

Rory kissed her mom before going in the house to get changed. "It's at 98%. Don't worry mom, I'll be back shortly."

Once Rory turned her street she rang Logan.

"I thought you would not return my call."

"Why wouldn't I? How… how are things?"

"Things are messed up. Are you free this afternoon?"

"Well, yes… what is it?"

"I'm actually in Stars Hollow and would like to talk to you."

Rory fretted. The moment she had dreaded since becoming pregnant had arrived, and manifested as a real pain in her lower back. "Well, it's not the best time to be honest. We could talk over the phone maybe."

"That won't do. Turn around."

Right there, at the other side of the street, was Logan, and if she had dreamed of concealing her pregnancy until the baby was born, that wasn't a possibility anymore. She couldn't be any less pregnant in front of Logan's eyes. He walked towards her.

"So it's true, Ace. You're pregnant."

"Well… yes, I am."

"Who's the father?"

Rory hesitated for a second, but she had prepared for this moment. "It's Paul's."

Logan seemed disappointed. "That's a load of bullshit, and you know it."

Rory started her monologue, which she had rehearsed a thousand times in her head. "Why would it be? It's Paul's. We slept together one last time after breaking up, and here I am."

"You didn't sleep with him, and you know it."

"And how would _you_ know?"

"You never really fancied the guy."

"I didn't know you were in my pants. Whoever I fancy is none of your business."

"I'm positive the baby is mine. How far along are you, tell me."

"I'm 8 months pregnant."

"Bullshit, again. You're about to burst."

"I never knew you were such an expert in pregnancies, and I never heard a cruder way of referring to a pregnant woman. And anyway, say it was yours – how would that matter?"

"Seriously, Rory? After everything we've been through?"

"Yes, seriously." Rory suddenly felt her panties wet. "Oh, shit."

"Exactly. Someone else's feelings are involved in this, and now shit's hit the fan."

"Will you shut up already? I think I'm in labor."

Logan froze, and mirrored Rory's bedazzled posture. "So… 8 months, right, Ace?"

"Oh, shuddup, and get me to the hospital already." Logan looked scared. "Now!"

Logan nodded and grabbed Rory by the arm, and both walked stunned to his car.

* * *

"Miss Gilmore, this is going fast. We're going in."

Rory could have never imagined a bigger pain. It was so colossal that it was loud on her ears, a big buzzing, and she could not focus on anything else. But as soon as she heard her doctor telling her that this was happening, an abyss opened before her, and she suddenly realized that Logan had been holding her hand since they admitted her in, and she saw with a clarity she had never experienced before, and addressed the doctor sternly.

"I need two minutes. Alone."

She would never know if her resolve was so palpable that the doctor had no choice but to grant her that, or if she looked so deranged that Dr. Suarez was scared of her – either way, the doctor nodded, and for the years to come, she would be grateful that luck, or fate, or whatever it was, gifted her that moment of lucidity.

"I'm going in with you, Rory. I won't leave you alone."

Rory held her breath and tears. "You won't. I need to do this alone." Logan seemed to hesitate, but Rory held his hand strongly. "Listen to me: it's your daughter. I'm sorry I didn't tell you… everything's been a mess. I needed to become better, OK? I needed to grow into the mother my daughter needs. And now I need to do this alone. But know this: she is your daughter, and my door will always be open for you, forever. OK?"

Logan started crying. "OK, Ace. But just so you know, I couldn't think of a better mother for a child in the whole wide world." Rory felt a contraction tearing her soul, and out of the blue, she remembered Jess. Logan let her hand go, and she saw the nurses and doctor coming in behind him. "I'm going to call your mom, Ace, is that OK?"

Rory shouted as she was pushed away from Logan and into the delivery room. "Please, don't! I need to do this alone. I need to know that I can do it – for her!"

She saw Logan nod and throw her a kiss, and then she saw nothing else as she clenched her fists and cried and pushed and left the old Rory behind. And then she opened her eyes to a new world, one in which a small and delicate Anna was her everything.


	9. Good and Bad News

_**Christmas Eve, 2017**_

 **9\. Good and Bad News**

"Is he bringing his girlfriend?"

Lorelai looked out the window while Rory rocked a restless Anna in her arms.

"No, he's alone. Luke said he wouldn't, anyway, which I've told you a million times."

"I'm so nervous I could puke, mom."

"I know, honey. Listen, this will be fast. Luke really wanted him to have dinner with us at some stage over the holidays. You told me not tell Luke about what happened between you guys when you were pregnant, so I couldn't stop him without betraying your confidence. You can do this, Rory. I'm with you."

Rory took a deep breath and nodded. She hadn't seen Jess since they kissed last Christmas. She had contacted him a couple times though: the first time she had called him after having Anna. He had let her know how happy and proud he was of her, but also, in a very awkward way, that he was seeing someone. The second time, three weeks ago, she had sent him the finished manuscript of her book over mail. He had never replied, and that had been all the interactions with him ever since that infamous kiss. Rory fretted as Jess knocked. Lorelai hesitated for a moment, and then looked at Rory with an apologetic face and darted out the kitchen and up the stairs. Rory understood that it was Lorelai's way of giving them a bit of privacy. Rory exhaled and opened the door. Jess stood there hesitating, and only after some very uncomfortable seconds looking at her eyes, he smiled.

"Is this little Anna?" Rory nodded, holding back her tears. Jess awkwardly approached them and caressed Anna's face. "Well, hi baby. Aren't you the loveliest thing on Earth?" Rory started crying, and Jess looked at her with a pained look. "Hey, I know I'm shitty around kids, no need to be so vocal about it."

Rory laughed, and Jess kissed her on the cheek. "How are you?"

"I'm great."

"Ror, you're crying."

"Being a mother has given my hormones a new depth. I can cry, be happy, sleeping and stressed all at the same time."

Jess smiled and made a gesture to rub Rory's tears off, but then stopped himself. "I'm happy to see you. Are your mom and Luke in?"

"My mom's upstairs and Luke will be back any second."

Jess seemed troubled. "Do you think you could leave Anna with your mom for a bit? I'd like to talk to you for a while."

Rory nodded and brought Anna upstairs, where her mom was waiting for her with open arms to hold Anna. She kissed her daughter and whispered. "You can do this, Rory."

Rory nodded and went down the stairs, where Jess motioned her to follow him outside. They started walking towards the bridge.

"I'm sorry I never replied, Ror."

"It's OK. I shouldn't have sent it."

"No, I'm glad you did. It's just I had a really hard time reading it. Not because of the book. Because of… everything."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I just… You encouraged me to write it. You inspired me. You are in it. I… had to share it with you. I just had to. I'm sorry if I was out of place."

Jess rubbed his face. "I know you had to. And I'm so glad you did. It's… I loved it."

Rory beamed. "You did?"

"Very much. Have you send it places?"

"What do you mean? To editors?"

"Yes."

"No one else has read it yet."

Jess stopped and looked at her. "Why?"

"Because… I don't know."

"OK."

"Alright."

"Rory, I hope you're not mad at me, but I sent it to a friend. In another publishing house. The one the book deserves. Are you mad?"

Rory was confused. "No, why would I? But why did you send it?"

"I would love to publish it, but it wouldn't be fair. The book needs better."

"I didn't send it to you so you would publish it."

"I know you didn't, but I'm an editor. I know my manuscripts. My friend wants to publish it, if you're interested."

"Jess… that's… are you serious?"

"I wouldn't joke about this."

"But… If you want it, it's yours, Jess. The book. I don't give a crap about the other editor."

"Rory… it's Random House."

"What?"

"My friend works at Random House. He hasn't shared it with the Editorial Director yet, he's waiting to meet you, but he thinks they will definitely want the rights. Rory… you're going to become a writer. A paid one."

Rory started crying. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Why are you so good to me? I don't deserve it."

Jess fretted. "I don't know, Ror. I just want you to be happy."

"I want you to be happy too, Jess."

"Then talk to my friend. He will do a much better job than I could ever do. And it's not because I'm angry about what happened last time and don't want to be involved with you. I'm never angry at you. So don't ever worry about it, OK? But please… be happy."

Rory nodded. She wanted Jess the same for him. "I am Jess. I'm better now, with Anna and the book. I'm just very sorry about what happened last time, and I'm emotional because I hadn't seen you in a year, but trust me: I'm good. I want you to be happy, too. And I'm glad that you are seeing someone, as long as you're happy."

Jess winced. "Are you sure?"

"A hundred percent."

"That's… great. Shall we go back?"

She nodded, and both walked back to the house. Rory wondered if this was perhaps her last chance to beg for another opportunity, to tell Jess that everything had truly ended with Logan, that even he knew he was the father, none had the intention of ever getting back together, but then they made it to the entrance, where Luke greeted Jess, and Rory let it go. After all, he had said that he was happy with someone else. Or hadn't he?

* * *

"Luke, dinner was amazing. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Rory. I'm glad the four of us could have this dinner together. And I'm glad things between you and Jess have stayed, let's say, normal, during the years, so we could have him over with no weirdness involved."

Rory wondered if that was really the case while Lorelai poured herself a second cup of coffee. "You mean you're glad we're not fighting anymore, don't you, dear husband?"

Luke frowned. "That, too. He's like a son to me. Family gatherings are not necessarily my thing, especially when they involve TJ, but I sure love that we can all get along. So, thank you, girls."

"I'm glad he came, Luke. And given that we are pouring our hearts out, I have an announcement to make: I finished my book."

Lorelai squealed and Luke hugged Rory. "Wow, that's great. You should definitely tell Jess about it, perhaps he can help you out."

"Well, that's the second part of the announcement. He kinda already did that… He sent it to a friend in Random House, and he says it will probably get published there."

Lorelai's jaw dropped. "Seriously? That's… that's the best news ever. I'm… speechless. Analogy-less. Quickly, get me a coffee IV, this is serious."

"Random House? But that's… huge. Sounds like you will even make money out of it!"

"Well, I still don't want to get my hopes high, Jess' friend hasn't still showed it to the Editorial Director, but… yeah, probably. It's… I'm over the moon."

Lorelai smiled softly at Rory, as if she recognized that she wasn't as happy as she should have been, given the case. "Well, honey, this is amazing news. We need a proper celebration."

"What a surprise filled day. Jess is going to get married, and Random House is going to publish your book." Lorelai choked on her coffee. Rory felt a physical pang in her heart. "Shit, I wasn't supposed to say anything. Please don't tell Jess I told you, Rory."

Rory felt faint. Her mom looked at her anxiously. "Of course, Luke. Well, I should go check on Anna. Thanks again for everything, Luke. Good night, mom."

Rory went to her room, where Anna was sleeping peacefully. She turned the lights off and cried herself to sleep.


	10. Teenage Dreams

_**Brooklyn, September, 2012**_

 **10\. Teenage Dreams**

"I feel like a nun, Gilmore."

"Nuns don't have babies, Paris."

"See? The pregnancies have made me dumber, I can't even come up with a good analogy for my state. Get me another one of these, I want to celebrate the end of my breastfeeding days by killing whatever brain cells I have left. Great choice of venue, by the way. You can tell how seedy it is by looking at these dumb cocktail umbrellas. The last time anyone used one was in 1988."

"You said Doyle wasn't comfortable with you getting hit on by hot musicians in a hip place, so I chose this one. It's actually one of my favorite drinking spots."

Paris huffed and ordered another round. "Yes, it has that quirky vibe. It's like a piece of Stars Hollow in the middle of Brooklyn."

"Exactly!"

The waiter brought their drinks, and Paris slurped slowly from her straw. "So, how's your love life?"

"See, the nun analogy would befit my situation better: nothing, nada."

"C'mon, give me something to work with. Let me live vicariously through you."

"Paris, I'm telling you: my love life's DOA."

"Please, don't do that."

Rory grinned. "Do what?"

"You know I hated it."

"Hate what?"

"That song, that fucking song. Ugh, I can't stop singing it in my head now!"

Rory smirked. "I could fix that for you, you know?"

"Don't, I swear I won't ask about your love life again."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. You'll be the one picking conversation topics from now on. For a year. I promise."

"So you would willingly forego conversation rights for a year just to avoid hearing my impersonation of _Gangnam Style_?"

"You're an absolute bitch. You know that the mere mention of the title has me singing that thing in my head for two days. You're dead, Gilmore. I'm going to get love info out of you if that's the only thing I do tonight. After I pee, that is."

Paris left for the bathroom, and Rory laughed before having a sip of her fruity nameless drink.

"You know, I was actually looking forward to hearing you sing that."

Startled, her drink almost came out of her nose when Rory heard Jess' voice.

"How long have you been listening to us?"

Jess leaned on the bar with a dazzling smirk. "Enough to know that you would actually sing to avoid Paris prying on you." Rory blushed, half excitedly and half annoyed at Jess spying on her. "Please, don't be mad. I saw you two across the bar and came to say hi, but hesitated about how to make myself known without seeming like I was listening to your private conversation, and ended up failing miserably."

Rory mellowed. "It's good to see you, Jess."

Jess smiled and gave Rory a hug. "You too, Ror. It's been too long."

Rory was flustered. She had been thinking about Jess recently. She had done that at regular intervals in her life since the Philadelphia incident, as she called it in her mind, but since she read one of his short stories in _The New Yorker_ and saw the picture that accompanied it, Jess had featured in her daydreams. She suddenly realized she had missed him more than she allowed herself to accept. At one stage in her late teens Rory had thought that all her love interests in the future would arise the same feelings in her that Jess had, but somehow life had moved on, and Rory had met many men, and still, nobody had come close to making her feel the trepidation she had felt when he kissed her. Real men lately didn't even manage to make her feel a fraction of what imaginary Jess could do to her.

"Congrats on the short story you got published in _The New Yorker,_ Jess _._ I loved it."

Rory could swear Jess was blushing. "Wow, thanks. I'm still over the moon about it."

Rory smiled. "As you should be."

Paris interrupted them by sitting loudly on her stool. "Hey, it's mom's day out, so please choose another girl to flirt with. I need her undivided attention."

Jess laughed. "Nice to see you too, Paris. I gather congratulations are in order?"

Paris frowned, confused, and then seemed to soften. "Wow, if it isn't Jack Kerouak!" Paris stood and hugged Jess. Rory couldn't believe her eyes, and Paris must have seen her surprise, because she addressed Rory next. "What? For some reason I was always fond of the mac'n'cheese guy." Rory wished the Earth could swallow her. On a second thought, she wished it could swallow _Paris_. "So, Jess, are you joining us for a drink?"

Jess hesitated. "Well, I'd be in the way, I gathered it's your first night off in a while, Paris."

"Oh, you're fine. I just thought you were some dumbass macho trying to flirt with Rory here, but since you are an old friend, that's fine for me." Paris gave the quickest of meaningful glances to Rory before looking back at Jess, who was checking his phone.

"I'm actually meeting someone here in… ten minutes, so I won't bother you for long."

Paris frowned. "Girlfriend?"

"More like girl-friend."

"Right. So, fuck friend."

Rory could tell Jess was as uncomfortable as she was, so she tried to cover up for Paris' lack of tact. "How's Truncheon going, Jess?"

Visibly relieved, Jess smiled. "It won't retire me, that's for sure, but we're surviving. Which is a lot given the current situation."

"Please, recommend me some of your authors."

Jess seemed very pleased. "Oh, definitely check Johanna Smith if you haven't. I'd say you'll love her style. And Jonathan Harper. I'll send you my favorites."

Rory beamed. "Oh, don't worry! I want to get them myself. Support your business."

"We're not Random House – they might not be so easy to find."

Rory smiled at Jess, and since he was looking at her straight in the eye with his sexy smirk, she took her time before replying. "I think I'll manage."

Jess nodded, and then broke contact with Rory's gaze. "My friend's here. I'll leave you girls to your celebration." He hugged Paris and then Rory, and she could have sworn he took the chance to smell her hair. "It was great to see you. Don't be a stranger for so long."

Rory nodded, and was surprised to feel so sad for the encounter to end. "You too, Jess."

He nodded and went to the other side of the bar, where a beautiful girl with long blonde hair and a rocker chick vibe greeted him with a peck in the mouth.

Paris gagged. "Oh my God. She looks like young Debbie Harry."

Rory felt a knot tighten in her stomach. "I was thinking more like Michele Pfeiffer, but thanks."

"We should go, Gilmore. I don't want them to ruin our night."

"Yeah, well… a bit late for that. But yeah, exit's closer to us, so it's our move."

"I didn't know the Geneva Conventions had mapped out who should make the exit in these situations."

Rory felt defeated. "No, but they should, if only for humanitarian reasons."

* * *

 **September, 2013**

"Are you seriously dating that guy, Gilmore?"

Rory and Paris had been drinking neat Scotch for a couple hours in a bar near Paris'. Rory had asked her to join her. 2013 had been pretty shitty year so far, and to top it off, the last piece she had written had already been rejected by several newspapers. She needed a night of unapologetic self-pitying and some good ol' Paris ass-kicking in return. The problem was, Paris was focusing in her love life, whereas Rory would have much preferred to review her career.

"Why the surprise?"

"I don't know. He never looked very interesting to me."

"Well, he is. I've been single and celibate for a year: he's very kind, and, honestly, it's just nice to have someone dependable to go out with."

Paris laughed. "Dependable? What about sex?"

Rory didn't like where the conversation was headed. "What about it?"

"OK, tell me to my face: would you rather go out with Mr. Bland than, say, be fucked senseless by someone you actually look forward to see naked?"

"Where in hell did you become so shallow, Paris?"

"In marriage, that's where. If I were you, Gilmore, I'd be fucking every hot guy in the neighbourhood. Say: what ever happened to mac'n'cheese guy?"

"To Jess?"

"Yes, walking sex, that one. Why aren't you fucking him instead?"

"Ummm, because… history?"

"Oh, right, he was a teenager and did dumb shit. Welcome to the world: teenagers suck."

"Why the sudden fixation? Why not bring back, say, Dean?"

"So you want to replace bland with blander? Way to go, Gilmore."

"Hey, why aren't you fucking Tristan Dugray, then?"

Paris face soured. "Well, I would if I could."

Rory couldn't tell why, but the conversation was making her very uncomfortable. "Seriously, tell me – why bring back Jess?"

"I don't know, I guess I'm drunk and bored. When we met him last year, I was confident that something would happen soon between you."

"He was with someone, remember?"

Paris gave Rory an evil look. "Oh, so that's why. You were scared."

"Scared? I was decent."

"So if she hadn't been around you would have liked him to join us for the night, right? And then perhaps he would have walked you home, and then…"

Rory was annoyed. Yes, she would have liked that. Yes, it pained her that she had spent the next couple months daydreaming about having sex with Jess, only to come to the same conclusion once and again: that theirs was a doomed connection, as if their attraction was only as big as the Universe forces that were constantly pushing them away. "I don't want to talk about this any longer. The Jess ship sailed long ago. I'm in the Paul cruise now."

"A pity, Gilmore. I had put my hopes on you to prove me that long lost teenage love could still find its way back to adulthood."

Rory finished her drink, and it left a sour taste in her mouth. "Those are teenage dreams, fit for films and novels. Life doesn't work like that."

Paris sighed. "I wonder if it should, sometimes."


	11. Portal

_**Stars Hollow, Thanksgiving, 2023**_

 **11\. Portal**

"How are things going with Jack?"

Rory was sipping a glass of wine in her mom's kitchen while Anna was in the living room piecing together some fabric remnants Lorelai had given her so she could make dresses for all her toys.

"It's early to say, but so far so good. I like him."

Lorelai smiled. "That's good. I'm glad you like someone. It's been a while."

Rory nodded. "It's been ages. It's great to date again. I used to hate it. Not going out with say, Logan, you know, to a fancy restaurant, but just the awkwardness of the first date with someone you might not like that much. Now, though, I just feel grateful to have an excuse to find a matching pair of bra and knickers."

"Too much info, loinfruit."

Rory laughed. "Hey, you asked. You were here as well, weren't you? I mean when I was little."

Lorelai patted her daughter's shoulder. "I know, it can get lonely sometimes. That's why I'm glad to see you trying again. Plus, Jack's really handsome."

"Yeah, he is." The kitchen timer went off. "Should we do something about that turkey?"

Lorelai looked worried. "I don't really know. Is that why the bell went off?"

"That's what it usually means, yes."

"I'm amazed at your intelligence, Yale really paid off in the end. Still, I wouldn't want to interfere with Luke's magic."

"We could turn the oven off maybe."

"Nonsense, we would definitely spoil it. I will go check out on him. He's been on the phone for one hour. I'm starting to worry."

Lorelai went out, and Rory went to check on Anna.

"How are you doing with that?"

Anna had put together three pieces of flowery cotton and created a beautiful skirt for Spiderman.

"I think it suits him."

"I think so too. You did a great job with it."

"It's really easy to make a skirt out of a circle, you just need to make a smaller circle for the waist to go in and then cut one side so you can put in on and off, and then put buttons to close it. This time I tried something harder and mixed some fabrics so it is prettier. Granny says there's never enough prints."

"Well, I'm glad you inherited your gran's fashion design talents, I was never very good at it. And I think you chose some fabrics that go really well together."

Rory left Anna selecting fabric for a matching cape and went back to the kitchen when she heard Lorelai and Luke come in.

"Is everything alright?"

Lorelai did that Lorelai thing with her face, like she was trying to set it in default mode, as if preparing a blank canvas for a lie. Luke fidgeted.

"Everything's good, yeah. Me and Jess just a had a lot to catch up, it had been a while since we talked on the phone. So, the turkey, right? Let's check if that's done."

Luke went to the oven and Rory looked at her mom and lifted her brows, as if trying to get more info from her, but she just nonchalantly shook her head. Rory worried. She had know for some time, ever since she spent the night with Jess in Chicago a year ago, that one day she would get the news that Angela was pregnant. She had dreaded the moment, and would get jumpy whenever Luke got a phone call. She also knew that, ever since she had Anna and Jess married Angela, both her mom and Luke had been scant on the info they passed on from Jess. It was as if they didn't want her to be upset, which, in all fairness, she appreciated – but she was upset about it all the same. Suddenly, dating Jack didn't seem like such a great idea.

* * *

Rory lay awake, listening to Anna sleep beside her in her old bedroom. She reminisced about the last time she and Jess had kissed. It was unbelievable how, even after all those years, she would still get all worked up just by thinking about it. She was certain that Luke had gotten the news of Angela's pregnancy earlier, and she was trying to find a kind place in her soul to feel happy about it, if only for Jess' sake, but she wasn't succeeding. She stroke Anna's hair. Well, at least everything else was well in her life. She was thankful. Regretful, but thankful nonetheless.

After a little while she heard her mom's footsteps going down the stairs and into the kitchen. Rory thought she probably was in one of her nightly secret trips for a cup of coffee. But Rory didn't hear the rustling of the beans or of cupboards opening and closing; in fact, she didn't hear anything, which was quite disturbing. After a couple minutes she got up carefully so as not to awake Anna, and went out of the room, only to find her mom standing before her door.

"That's so creepy, mom. What are you doing?"

"I wanted to check if you were asleep, but I didn't want to wake you up, so I figured that, if I stood here long enough and you were actually awake, you would come check what I was doing."

"Well, I guessed it worked. What's up?"

Lorelai grabbed two glasses and a half empty wine bottle leftover from dinner and went to the living room.

"Wine instead of coffee? This must be serious."

"Sit down."

Rory did, and took the glass of wine as Lorelai handed it. "What's up, mom? I'm really worried."

"What do you think?"

Rory exhaled and drank half of her glass. "Thanks. I believe wine over coffee was a great call." Lorelai nodded. "Angela is pregnant, that's why you were so secretive earlier."

"You've been fearing that for a long time, right?"

"Well of course! I mean, they're married, which is quite definitive, but kids… they really seal the _happily ever after_ , don't they?"

"Do you still have feelings for him, Rory? After all these years?"

Rory drank the remains of her cup, as did Lorelai, who poured some more for both. "Of course I do, and you know. That's why you two are always so skimpy with Jess' news."

"I'm sorry, we honestly thought it was for the best."

"Bah, never mind. It probably was. I would really love to know more some times, but I believe, deep down, that it's best that I don't. It would just hurt me. This is hurting."

"Honey… what is it with Jess?"

Rory was confused. "What do you mean?"

"About your feelings for him… why do you think he has stuck with you for so long? Even if it was impossible that the two of you got back together?"

Rory spoke teary eyed. "I… I think we are connected, you know? I can't describe it. It's not necessarily something cheesy, it's a deep attraction, I… I still miss him. It's not that I cannot live without him, which I do, and I'm very happy with my life, but being apart… doesn't feel right. It's like constantly missing your best friend. How could you not talk to your best friend if he was alive? I don't know… it feels wrong."

Lorelai drank some more. "I think it's the same for him, you know? He… he constantly asks Luke about you. He usually just wants to know that you are OK and then doesn't delve in it, but he always asks. Luke tells me he always has. Since… the beginning."

Rory started crying. "What good is it anymore? Why do you say that now, especially since you two haven't said anything since Anna was born?"

"I needed to know where you stood before telling you that him and Angela have divorced."

Rory's heart stopped. "What?"

"They've divorced. Luke has known for over a year that things were not good but only told me a couple months ago. And then we thought it would be best to wait before telling you, until it was official. And now it is."

"And they're not pregnant, right?"

"No, they're not."

Rory leaned back. "Wow. That… I feel bad. I'm happy. I'm happy he's divorced. I'm such a shitty person."

"You're not, hon. You're just human. But if I've told you it's because I want us to discuss about this. So the two of you get it right this time."

Rory was shocked. "What?"

"You heard me. A portal has opened but it is fraught with pitfalls. I might not have liked Jess in the past but, after all these years, I actually also think you two need to be together, if only for ruling it out. And I don't want you guys to miss this chance and have you moping for another twenty years. So, what are you going to do?"

Rory poured some wine in both glasses and grabbed hers. "I don't know. Do we know anything else? Why they broke up?"

"I don't think Luke and Jess are the type to analyse all details, so we don't have much to work with, but he says that they were not suited to each other, and that Jess, as the years went by, was really apprehensive of becoming a father. Which probably hints at him having still feelings for you?"

Rory shook her head. "I don't want to get my hopes high. I think that perhaps he didn't want to have kids because that was difficult for him, with how his father was and everything. And hey, you might love someone very much and still split up because of that. Perhaps Angela wanted to take the last chance she has for getting pregnant. Perhaps she made the choice, and he's still very much in love with her, which could take him years to overcome."

"Yeah, that's a possibility. So, what next?"

Rory hesitated. "I guess… nothing? I don't want to push him, I want him to be in a good place. To get over it. She just divorced her 6-year wife. That's huge. I can't rush this. I've been waiting for a long time. An extra year won't make a difference. I think… he'll reach out. Eventually. If he's ready. And still interested. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Nothing."

Lorelai nodded. "It sounds very sensible. But… what about Jack?"

Rory smiled. "Well… getting matching bras and panties was getting tiresome. I have a lot to do anyway. I don't think I have the time for that."

Lorelai frowned. "Are you sure about that? Positive that you won't be missing out?"

Rory nodded. "Yes. As you said, we haven't had a chance in a very long time. Now's the time to do this right. But you have to promise something."

"What?"

"That you'll share all the info, this time."

Lorelai smiled cunningly. "Aren't you lucky I was trained in the Gilmore school of spies?"


	12. The Visitor

_**June, 2024**_

 **12\. The Visitor**

"Mom, I think I remember you specifically saying that you were an awesome spy. Which, let me tell you, you are not."

Rory was helping Lorelai set up her booth for the Summer Games Festival, a recent addition to Stars Hollows already packed calendar that involved all businesses creating their own game booths in the town square. Lorelai had devised a Pop Quiz that Rory was sure no one in Connecticut, except her mom and probably herself, could win.

"Honey, it's not me, it's that step-father of yours. He has some weird notions about people's intimacy and overstepping. Ugh, he's such a goodie-doodey."

Rory huffed. "It's been over half a year since Jess divorced. He left for his European tour in March, and until now, the only thing we've heard from Luke is how Jess is in Rome or Amsterdam or Barcelona, but nothing, _nothing_ , on the state of his love life. I'm dying here. He must be dating the hottest Spanish and French girls. Heck, in my mind he's dating a mix of young Penelope Cruz and Léa Seydoux, and it's painful to watch those images replaying in my head. And I'm desperately horny, mom. I'm starting to regret having left Jack."

Lorelai dropped her glue gun and hugged Rory. "Hush, honey. What has that two-headed Spanish-French monster you have created in your mind against my little horny girl? Let me tell you – nothing."

Rory shook her head, unconvinced. "Should I go to Europe? I should, shouldn't I? I should get my agent to book me some PR tour. But we definitely need Luke to get Jess' tour dates so I can force a chance encounter. Remember when I decided on doing nothing? It was not such a great idea."

Luke appeared right then with Anna and some slices of pie from the diner, and helped Lorelai finish the Gilmore Pop Quiz game booth, while Rory wondered for the umpteenth time with how many beautiful girls and from where would Jess be having sex at that exact moment.

* * *

The town square was lit with colorful lanterns and fairy lights, and the air was ripe with summer blossoms. Anna was having a blast playing at Kirk's _Start Your Own Business_ booth, which Rory suspected was Kirk's desperate way of fishing for new ideas for a start-up. She smiled, her heart warmed at the sight of her happy daughter. Yes, things were not half bad. She had a fulfilling, if sexless, life. Anna run towards her and asked her if she could spend the night at Tanya's, who was to Anna what Lane had once been to herself. Rory agreed, and Tanya's mom appeared a bit later to take the girls for the night. Rory was left standing in the middle of the game booth mayhem. At the end of the square she could make out her mom and Luke kissing briefly. Rory felt really lonely, but the night was sweet and merry, so she walked around. Taylor, who had stopped being mayor a year ago after breaking his hip, was terrorizing Gipsy, who had been elected mayor after him. Sookie was blocking everyone from trying Jackson's game, _How Much Does this Tomato Weigh_ , as she was annoyed about constantly failing and asking again and again for a re-match. Rory wandered around and settled on trying her luck at Andrew's basket ball booth. The size of the balls and baskets was similar to those in the hotel room where she and Jess had played almost a couple years ago, so she decided to try her luck, and bought a ticket. She missed the first basket, but surprisingly managed to score the last four, for which she was awarded a cheaply made, cross-eyed looking teddy bear.

"That's the ugliest teddy bear I've ever seen."

Rory turned, her heart racing, and there was Jess, grinning widely. Rory didn't know what got into her, but she excitedly hugged Jess. She was instantly mortified about her reaction, and was about to break the hug when Jess hugged her back and kissed the top of her head.

"It's good to see you too, Ror."

Rory knew that she was blushing fiercely, but she didn't care. She hadn't been happier in months. She felt suddenly very nervous, and could have sworn that Jess was edgy as well. "So, what are you doing here? I thought you were touring Europe."

Jess smiled. "Well, that ended two months ago, but I took the chance and visited some friends in different countries, and a couple editors here and there that we want to collaborate with for translations. I had never really had a European adventure, did you know?"

Rory beamed. "Was it good? I'm very jealous. Did you enjoy?"

Jess nodded. "Very much. I… needed the change of scenery." Rory felt a pang of jealousy, but tried to shoo away the images of Penelope and Léa. "You know, Stars Hollow's festivals were never my thing, but I'd love to catch up with you. Where's Anna? Do you want to go grab some dinner?"

Rory was ecstatic. She was free for the night, single and with Jess. She felt like dancing. "She's spending the night with a friend, so yeah... Let's eat. There's this very good new Mexican restaurant in town, and I'd say it'll be quiet enough. Nothing fancy."

"Sounds good." Both stood there for a while, just smiling. "You lead the way."

Rory nodded, and both headed leisurely towards the restaurant. "So, when did you come back? I had gathered from Luke that you were still in an unknown European country."

"Yesterday."

Rory was flustered. "Oh, wow. And… what about your jet-lag?"

"I might fall asleep during dinner, for which I apologize in advance."

"Are you sure you're not here to enjoy the Summer Games Festival?"

Jess looked at her with a wry expression. "No, I don't care about that."

Rory was having a bad time fishing for details. Why was he in Stars Hollow, and so quickly after coming back? She couldn't help but wish that she was the reason. "I'm glad you're here anyway."

Rory was mortified. Where had that come from? Jess grinned, and Rory thought he looked pleased. "Are you?"

How did Jess manage to do that? Rory should be the one getting new info, not him – her life was pretty much unchanged. "Sure… It's been a while."

Jess smiled softly. "Yeah, over a year. Did you manage to come back with no hassles?"

Rory remembered how she had gotten up in that O'Hare hotel to find Jess gone, and how that had physically hurt her. "Yes. I managed to grab a spot in an evening flight."

"That's good."

They made it to the restaurant in silence, and got the table that was furthest from the entrance, secluded behind a beam.

"They only have a few things, but everything's good. I'll get the chilaquiles, if you fancy splitting."

Jess smiled and looked briefly at the menu. "Should we get red and green each and share?"

Rory nodded and made a gesture to the waiter for ordering. "We'll share red and green chilaquiles, and I'll have a Pacifico."

"I'll have another one."

Rory played with her hair nervously until the beers came. "OK, I need to ask or I'll explode – why are you here?"

Jess laughed. "My family lives here. I just came back from a very long trip."

Rory shook her head, unconvinced. "OK, tell me, then – how are Liz, TJ and Doula?"

Jess smirked. "Well… I haven't seen them yet."

"Ha, there you go. My question still stands."

Jess brushed his hair. His beautiful, wild hair. Rory was a bundle of nerves, she felt every bit as she always did with him – somewhat dizzy, and positively aroused. Jess looked as good as always, if not more. He was older, as was she, there was no denying that. But there was something so youthful in his teasing playfulness, and something so undeniably sexy in his mature ruggedness, that the combination of everything on top of his muscular body and his lip had Rory getting fuzzy around her center. She thanked the Summer Festival for forcing her to pick the nicest dress she owned, a flowery wrapped number with a plunging neckline, because she couldn't remember the last time in a month when she hadn't worn old jeans and t-shirts.

"I'm sorry I haven't been in touch, Rory."

Rory stopped her daydream, confused. "Why should you have been? I haven't either."

Jess looked straight into her eyes. "Did you want to?"

Rory fidgeted. "You keep doing that, deflecting my questions. It's kind of annoying."

Jess' face softened. "I know. I'm so sorry. I'm actually very nervous."

"Why would you be?"

Jess hesitated. "Aren't you nervous?"

"You're still doing that."

Jess conceded. "I was going to say that I really like older Rory, a mix of shy and straight, but then I thought you were always like this. I used to think you were the shy one, with the blushing and everything, only to find out that whenever I tried to push for the situation to become entertainingly uncomfortable you would usually turn the tables, making me painfully aware of my own social incompetence."

Rory sipped her beer, struck by Jess' sudden openness. "Huh. Did you do that a lot?"

Jess grinned. "Sometimes."

"You are such a tease. But I'm not going to take any more meandering, Jess. You said you were nervous. Why?"

Jess scratched his knuckles, visibly tense. "Do you remember when you started writing _Gilmore Girls_ and did that interview to me for the Gazette? How you told me… stuff about Logan? How you said that you wanted to share it with me?"

"Yeah, I remember." How could she not.

"I kinda need to do the same."

If Rory had entertained the idea of them taking each other's clothes off that night, that hope was gone. Jess seemed very troubled. "So… this means that you are a shitty person too?"

"I'm… still undecided. I've been trying to convince myself that I'm not, but others think otherwise."

"Please, go ahead. I mean… You can share anything you want with me."

"I'm not sure you'll like it."

Rory doubted for a split second that she was ready for whatever was coming. "Don't worry about it. I… I like you being open."

Jess swallowed hard and nodded. "Are you single, Rory?"

"Hum, yes. Is that important?"

"I don't want to share things that could potentially make someone uncomfortable with the conversation I'd like to have. So… is there anyone that could be hurt if I talk feelings with you openly?"

Rory noticed her hands trembling. "No. There's no one. Wait – am I going to get hurt?"

Jess hesitated. "I hope not. Not hurt. Some bits might be painful, though. Or embarrassing."

"Can we _not_ have intense conversations? I haven't seen you in a year and a half. We didn't even discuss the weather, and here I am, dreading that the world is about to end."

"I'm sorry, Rory. I'm… figuring stuff out. A little bit like you did back then, when you told me about Logan. It's part of the reason why I accepted the offer for the tour. I needed to get away, to think about everything, but it got to a point where I couldn't figure out anything else until talking to you…"

Rory dreaded the conversation they were about to have, but was also very curious about what Jess had to share. "Well, then, by all means, go ahead. I can't with the suspense anymore."

Jess drank some beer and then rubbed his neck. "OK. Fuck, this is hard. First of all, I'm going to tell you a lot of stuff, but you need to know that you are not the reason why I broke up with Angela."

"I… I would have never thought that in a thousand years, so don't worry."

"I know you probably haven't, but I'm going to tell you some stuff that might change your mind. If you do change your mind, will you promise to tell me?"

"Of course… But, before you go on – Jess, are you OK?"

Rory put her hand on top of his, she couldn't help it. Jess flinched, and Rory drew her hand back as a result, but before she could put it away Jess grabbed it with his other one, and gripped it hard. "Thanks, Ror. I'm OK. It hasn't been easy, but I'm getting better."

"I'm very sorry to hear that. Please, go on."

The waiter brought the chilaquiles at that moment, and Jess seemed disappointed. "I'm not sure I'm hungry anymore."

"Me neither. We can just drink our beers while we talk, and then we will get this to go."

Jess nodded and breathed deeply. "I didn't love Angela. There, I said it. I thought I did, I swear, but I doubt that I ever did now, and I feel terrible about it."

Rory's heart started pounding, and she felt guilty for being so suddenly happy when Jess was visibly in a bad place. "Hey, Jess… you can't force yourself to love someone that way. Don't I know…"

"But I asked her to marry me, Rory. We made vows to each other, and I broke them. I honestly had my best intentions in mind when I asked her for the divorce, especially since she had been wanting kids for a while and I couldn't bring myself to want them, but… she thinks differently. About many things. Some of these things she has been repeating to me for so long, that I've ended up believing them, and I'm now in a situation where I have my happiness in one hand, and knowing I'm a good person on another."

"Jess – you are not a bad person for not loving someone, so erase that from your head."

"I know that. But, let me explain everything, and then you'll tell me how to solve the paradox I have at hand. Because it involves you."


	13. The Paradox

**13\. The paradox**

"OK. Shoot."

Jess nodded, and inhaled deeply before starting. "Did I ever tell you how Angela and I met?" Rory shook her head, positive that Jess knew perfectly well that he had never told her. "It was shortly after you visited me in Philadelphia."

Rory choked. "Wow. I didn't know you guys went so far back."

"Well, yes. So, anyway…" Jess fumbled. "I was kind of devastated after your visit. I met her briefly after, and we had a mostly sexual thing going on for a couple months."

Rory flinched. "That kinda hurt."

Jess looked pained. "I'm very sorry, Ror. Should we stop?"

"Did it hurt when I told you about Logan?"

"Oh yes."

"Well, if you endured it, so can I. Go ahead."

Jess hesitated, but something in Rory's expression seemed to convince him, because he went on. "I wasn't looking for a relationship back then, and neither was she, but we got to talk a lot. I was feeling very raw, and I told her everything about you. And then she left to do her masters in Paris, and I moved on with my life, realizing that you and I were never going to happen, and finally being at peace with that." Jess stopped and seemed to gauge Rory's reaction. "So, fast forward a few years, after my short story got published in the New Yorker, and out of the blue, Angela calls me. She was back in New York, had read my story, and wanted to catch up. And isn't it fucking ironic, that on the night I meet up with her after five years I meet you as well? Do you remember? The night you were with Paris about to sing Gangnam Style?"

Rory felt like throwing up. So that was Angela. Fucking Debbie Michelle Harry Pfeiffer. How wonderful. Rory tried to hide the bitterness she was feeling. "Of course I remember."

Jess kept going without hesitation, as if it had taken him so long to open up that he was afraid that the tiniest of interruptions would stop him forever. "So, after you and Paris left, I could tell that seeing you had affected Angela, but when I asked her if she was OK, she said that everything was fine, so I rug swept my initial intuition. I told myself that it was normal that she was somewhat jealous of an ex-girlfriend, especially since I told her about us when we first met, but in hindsight… Well, I'm getting ahead of myself. So we went out casually for a couple months again, and then she moved to San Francisco, and we lost contact. I met someone else a little later, we dated for a couple years and broke up some months before Lorelai and Luke's wedding…" Jess looked at Rory with what she thought looked like the same melancholy she was feeling. "Well, you know what happened next."

"Yeah… Excuse me." Rory couldn't take any more of that conversation without something to drink, and her beer was gone already, so she asked for another one. "I'm ready now, sorry for interrupting."

"Ror, _I'm_ sorry. I feel really selfish telling you all of this. But…"

"What?"

"I thought that perhaps you wanted to know, that maybe…" Jess looked troubled, as if trying to decide which of two opposing thoughts to believe. "Why have you been asking so often about me since I divorced?"

Rory panicked. She wasn't ready for the spotlight being on her yet. "What do you mean?"

"Please, don't be mad at Luke, but he's the worst private investigator in history. I think he's called me more times since I divorced than ever before that – where I was, when was I coming back, _was_ I coming back, if I was meeting any ladies… He never mentioned you without me enquiring first, but he made it pretty clear whenever I asked him how you were, that you were… single, so I thought…" Jess buried his face in his hands, grunting, and then stood up. "I'm sorry, Rory, I realize now that I've been an idiot. I read more than I had to when Luke was so insistent, and now I'm here giving you a hard time. I feel like the biggest moron in history."

Rory fretted and stood up as well, unsure of what was exactly happening, but prepared to physically block Jess from leaving if necessary. "Please, Jess, don't leave. I'm fucking embarrassed as well, and I can tell it's going to get worse, but… you didn't misunderstand. I was asking. Well, my mom was. For me. And I want you to tell me whatever it is you are trying to tell me. And I'm happy that you are here."

Jess seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then circled around the table and tentatively approached Rory, until he hugged her. Rory was stunned, but it only took her a moment to return the hug, partly because she was desperate to feel Jess' body close to hers, and partly to make sure that he wasn't going anywhere, that he was never running again. But soon she forgot about that, and all she could think about was his smell, and his warmth, and her hands grabbed the fabric that was against his back, and then noticed that he was caressing her head, his face very close to her temple. He spoke against her hair. "We're the weirdest, aren't we?"

Rory laughed, and looked up. "Yeah…"

For a split second Rory thought that Jess was considering kissing her, but suddenly the hug was broken, and Jess was sitting on his chair again. Rory understood that things hadn't changed after all those years – they both were madly attracted to each other, but for some reason she couldn't fathom, a bigger force was holding Jess back. But she understood that, as much as it was probably going to pain her, she needed to find out what that force was. This was their chance, she knew. She wasn't missing it this time. Ans so she sat down again.

"You better tell me everything, Jess Mariano. I'm not moving, and I'm not running. I need to know. As much as it hurts me."

Jess rubbed his face. "After we kissed, when you told me you were… pregnant, I went back to Philadelphia for a while. And one day I met Angela in a cafeteria, only this time, we started officially dating. And it became really serious pretty fast. I wasn't getting back at you. I wasn't angry either. I was just convinced that you and I were done… forever. I want to apologize, Rory."

"For what?"

"I… I really thought you were going to go back with Logan eventually, and that you'd start a family."

Rory winced. "Oh, so you thought I couldn't make it alone?"

"No! It's not that. It's just that I truly thought that you two were endgame. So I shut the idea of you down. I was sad. I thought for so many years that what I felt for you when we dated in high school would be the norm in my relationships, because the feeling was mine, it had come from myself, so it definitely had to be within me, but it's funny… years passed, I grew up, and well, the feeling never came back. So I told myself that it was because you were my first love, that it was probably a chemical high resulting from crazed teenage hormones, and I convinced myself that that was it, that it was never coming back. I believed that for so long, that it was not hard for me to shut my feelings down after we kissed when you were pregnant, when I almost felt it again… because it couldn't be. Because that feeling was gone and buried with my young self. So then it was normal not to feel exactly that with Angela, and I never worried about it. And since everything else was good with her, I thought that that was it, that it was love. And it was, don't mistake me. A kind of love. But the thing is that I had told her about this feeling many years ago, of how I felt when I was with you, of how being with you had changed me, and that story stuck with her. It took her years to open up and tell me that the thing she had wanted the most in life was for me to love her as I had loved you once, when we were young. And that hope was killing her inside. This was maybe a couple years before we met at O'Hare. Since the beginning of our relationship, we would sometimes have arguments about silly things that would spark real anger in her, and I always wondered what was it that made her resent me so much. I knew that there was something, deep inside her, that was always nagging her. But she would never open up. Until one day. We were at a party with some friends, and someone talked about your TV series. Angela got quite drunk, and on the way home she started asking me about you, and I could tell right then that you were _it_ , the thing I had always suspected she had inside. The next day, when we were both sober, I asked her about it, and she told me how she had envied you, someone she hadn't known, for a long time. How she had yearned a connection that seemed so… literary in a way. How she knew that she would never become my muse, that she was jealous of a ghost, and that… destroyed us. For a year I tried to prove her how wrong she was, to make her see what we were building together. I tried to be more romantic, because I couldn't stand to make her unhappy. But it was never enough. And it was unfair and fair at the same time, you know? That she reproached me about it. It was cruel for her to make me feel that the way I loved her was not appropriate, but at the same time, she was also… right. And then she started begrudging me for not being ready to be a father. I tried to convince her that it was hard for me, and don't mistake me, it fucking scared me, with my background. But it wasn't that. I knew we were not working as a couple. I felt she was asking me to become a parent with her so I could prove her that she was good enough. By the time you and I met at O'Hare, my relationship with Angela had become quite toxic. And when I saw you… I knew Angela was right about the thing she wanted from me. I could never give her that. But I would have sticked with her forever, you know? If she had accepted me as I was. As someone who had loved in a certain way once, and who was loving, at the best of my abilities, after that. But she wanted more, and it was painfully obvious that I couldn't give it to her, or be a father with someone in a relationship that was so deteriorated at the core, so I filed for divorce." Jess finished his beer and left it on the table, without looking at Rory for a while. "I also need another one."

Jess stood up and went to the bar, and came back with two beers, leaving one in front of Rory, who was livid. "I'm so sorry, Jess."

"It really pains me to tell you all of this, but really, I couldn't see for the life of me how to avoid it. You've been in my arguments with Angela for so long that, in a way, I feel like I have betrayed you. The real you. The one that has a rich life, a beautiful daughter, friends and family and fans who love you, who love your work, who admire you, instead of this ghost that has haunted my marriage."

"You talked about a paradox, at the beginning. What is it?"

Jess exhaled, and Rory thought that there was nothing of his playful teasing anymore, and suddenly Jess looked his years. "The day I moved out of our house, and I gave Angela my keys, she said to me: _it is only a matter of time that one of us is proved right. If you loved me once as you said you did, if you were truthful, then nothing will happen between you and Rory – ever. But if it does, then you will perhaps be happy with her, but you'll also know that you were never truly good. That you were the one that broke our marriage_. And that's how I left her, with this paradox: to either know that I'm a good man, or to maybe be with you, one day." Jess looked up at Rory, and his eyes held an old sadness. "I hurt you once, Rory, and it destroyed me. It took me a really long time to make myself proud, to create and live by my own standards. Believing that I've hurt Angela this much… it's not letting me move forward. I left for Europe thinking that there was no way in the world that I could be so bad, that I could have hurt someone so deeply, and so irrevocably. But then Luke called, once, twice, many times, and I knew you were asking about me. It would have been so easy to live and die cherishing the memory of how I loved once… But Luke called. And I knew that, for the first time in decades, perhaps there was a chance to not only remember, but to feel that way again. To spend time with you, my oldest friend. But I'm not sure, at the moment, that I could live with myself if I did that, knowing that Angela was right. So this is the paradox at hand."

Rory held back her tears, as well as a strong urge to punch Angela, wherever she was, in the face. She breathed deeply. "For what is worth, Jess, even if I have a big interest in your final decision, I don't think Angela was right."

"How so?"

"First, you cannot help people's feelings. In that sense, I think Angela should have either accepted the situation as it was, your… _past_ , or broken up. It is not fair that she left you this curse."

Jess forced a smile. "To be honest, I think I could potentially agree with you, but I find it really hard to accept that at the moment. I'm… going to start counseling. To figure everything out." Jess laughed wryly. "I should have done it a long time ago, but I thought I could outsmart a professional, that I didn't need it. What do you think?"

Rory thought that Jess looked somehow ashamed. "I think it's great. I'm very proud of you for wanting to work things out properly. I did the same, too."

Jess seemed relieved. "Really? When?"

"After I told you I was pregnant. I had a ton of shit to work through."

"I'm sorry, Ror."

"Why? It wasn't because of you. Well, a little bit. Not because of what happened between us, I mean, but because you were an incentive, somehow. You were there with Anna and my family in the _reasons why I need to get my shit together_ pack."

"Did it help?"

"Absolutely. That's why I think it's a great idea that you go, as long as you find the right person to work with."

Jess exhaled, apparently reassured. "You said you have a big interest in my final decision… how so?"

Rory looked at Jess, and saw the fleeting shadow of a smirk. She had let that comment out unaware, and she was a bit embarrassed. She blushed, and Jess grinned, which annoyed Rory. "What's so funny?"

Jess shook his head. "Nothing. I'm just glad I told you everything and you are still here."

Rory mellowed. "Of course I am. I told you I wasn't going anywhere."

"Is this what it is? Are you just fulfilling a promise?"

Rory thought that Jess was trying to sound nonchalant but wasn't succeeding, that he looked anxious to know why she was still there, probably why both were, after all those years. She decided to help Jess out. "No, I want to be here. I want us both to be here. So tell me: what's happening next?"


End file.
